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Hiraeth (Taealha & Ivory) [COMPLETED]

Who knew having a girlfriend would change so much for Taealha? Wait, she doesn't have a girlfriend, not officially anyhow. That's the current dilemma she's facing, whether or not their relationship was even real. Of course, the human trusts the initia, but their first date was a while ago and yet there was no change in it. They still texted a lot, which the engagement was significantly decreasing day by day because of Ivy's work commitment. The human thought she was just being childish and immature about the whole thing, people could be busy and forget to answer, right?

That's what she thought for the first few weeks. It wasn't until Ivy couldn't make it to a few more of their dates that caused Taealha to sigh. She was always away and she couldn't comprehend it. She had to be understanding but she could barely text without having to worry about timezones. Taealha realized she was getting impatient and had to sort this out before it eats her up even further. She decided to stay a while longer at the lab, thinking nobody was going to be there to greet her anyway. Her home has never been that much of a home, not when the human spends most of her evenings at the lab, sleeping at the backroom.

Her phone buzzed on the table and the name displayed on the screen made her take off her gloves, tossing it aside as she swiped the screen to check the message. It was Ivy finally replying after 4 hours. "Ivy… can we talk? Where are you?" It was so hard to see Ivy and she wasn't sure if Ivy regarded her seriously as she does to her. Perhaps she was just overthinking this but Taealha can be quite insecure given the situation. The brunette leaned against the table and typed another message, "I miss you…" Oh how she would love to be able to call her right now.

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InitiaPermalink Reply by ✓ Ivory Tessa Blake on April 30, 2021 at 22:02

One of the things she loved about Taealha was how empathetic and kind she could be, she was the kind of person who looked at the world with these wide optimistic eyes that you couldn’t help but notice sparkle. Ivy hated to let her down because the human had trusted her so wholeheartedly and it was something so rare in the initia’s life. She laughed when Taya made a joke about the lab blowing up “Well then it’s a good job you got an extra dose” she responded and gave a small smile.

“I know” she responded when Taealha pointed out that her home was big, it was one of those things you kinda had to do as a celebrity otherwise people would talk behind your back about you having money troubles and the likes. Even though Ivy lived alone in the place and hardly needed all the space, she did like some of the features she’d added. Ivy widened her eyes and looked over her shoulder when Taealha squealed and she realized she was marveling over the place which made her blush slightly “I guess it’s impressive to someone who visits” she signed and nodded “To me it’s...home” she added and nodded slightly.

Ivy stared back at her with a nervous expression, she honestly had no idea what the human would say or do and her heart was practically pounding in her chest. She knew she should have told her this before but honestly, she was scared things would change and she didn’t want that to happen. “It’s not a joke” she responded and then hesitantly headed over to the bookshelf so she could pull out one of her more recent magazine shoots and she hesitantly stepped closer to Taealha to show it, her stage name ‘Tessa Blake’ was posted in bold letters over the cover.

Ivy’s eyes softened when she listed possible reasons she hid it from her “It’s not like that..” she explained before taking a deep breath and thinking about how to sign what she wanted to say “In my life...nearly everyone I’ve ever known has treated me different and expected something different from me because of who I am...because of who my mom is” she pressed her lips together “I finally met someone who treated me the same as everyone else did and I wanted to...keep that feeling” she was slow with signing the words as she tried to remember how to say each thing “I’m sorry” she added to the end.

HumanPermalink Reply by ✓ Taealha Kim on June 16, 2021 at 7:05

She understood it of course, the constraints of their work. But still, she wanted to hear her out. Whatever explanation she might have, despite the human being utterly upset, she still wanted to hear them. Ivy’s home was not what she expected, she knew she had quite the fabulous life working in the entertainment sector, but not like that type of living condition. “Impressive? Just impressive? Oh Ivy this place is massive, it looks like I just stepped into a whole studio the moment I stepped inside.” Marveling at the living space was not surprising, especially considering how Taealha loves inspecting things, from clothes to interior. Even her signing expressed her excitement as she walked through the living room, gaping at the design around them.

However, the news was once again not what she expected to hear. God, how many unexpected things would she hear today? First, the suspicious activity and schedule, then the house, even the security guard at the front, and now this? Confusion washed over her as she tried to digest every information she received from the female before her. When Ivy handed over a magazine, she took it and noticed a familiar looking face gracing the front cover and the name Tessa Blake plastered over it. It can’t be. How has she not noticed all this time? All of a sudden, memories of them spending their time together and Ivy always looking weary every time they were out in public made sense. There was no reason to worry if there wasn’t a warranted reason in the first place, but since Ivy is a public figure, an actually famous actress that Taealha was sure she has heard the name of, now that she mentioned it, it made sense.

All she could think of is if she hid this from her, then how much else was there? Aside from her ‘identity’? Is this person even the real Ivy? Or was the person she dated another persona the same way Tessa Blake is? She realized she was disappointed and hurt by the revelation, it was clearly shown in her eyes and body language. Her body slumped against the cushion and she looked pretty shaken by the sudden overwhelming response. The human was close to bite back the remark and ask ‘Then what is it like?’ the moment she heard Ivy tell her it wasn’t like that, but bit her tongue and refrained from acting impulsively. “Ivy… No, Tessa… whoever the hell you are, I get wanting to have your own space and thing but you can’t expect others to feel the same way when you’ve practically hid such a big part of yourself from someone so close to you.” She was sad, that was an understatement.

“Tessa Blake is not a fake persona… you can’t don a look in the public for years and not feel any part of it. She is still you, and everyone else might know that. They have seen Tessa Blake, but what of Ivy Blake? Still, you seem to tell me she’s not the girl you really are. Is she really there? Or is that just another persona you created when you saw me?” Humans are multifaceted, she reminded herself, but what could she trust now? What was she supposed to believe in now?

InitiaPermalink Reply by ✓ Ivory Tessa Blake on June 18, 2021 at 21:28

The Initia shifted on the spot and half-smiled when Taealha complimented her home, she honestly thought it was a bit much for her taste but the gated community kept prying eyes out of her business and she did like having the space all to herself. Still a big home like this could feel lonely at times with no one to share it with. Seeing the way the human was looking around in wonder made the Initia realize how huge and almost unreal her home probably seemed. To her it was just the place she laid her head and spent her time though.

There was an overwhelming sense of guilt in her stomach, knotting and making her feel nauseous as she tried to explain the situation to Taealha. This wasn’t someone just passing by who meant little to the Initia, this was the girl she had been developing feelings for, for a while now, someone who’s opinion mattered a lot to Ivy and she felt awful to have let her down. She could see the confusion and disappointment written on Taealha’s face which made her heart lurch in her chest. When Taealha sat herself down against the couch, Ivy perched a short distance from her, watching with a wary expression as she gave her time to explain how she was feeling.

“I know I shouldn’t have hid it” she responded and looked down for a moment “I just...really loved the idea of being with someone without any of the pressure...every time I’ve gotten close with someone I’ve always had to...question whether their intentions were clear” she swallowed for a moment “You liked me...just for me...not for what movies I was in or what I could offer...just...the girl who took your photo because you saw a beautiful sunset” she bit her lip tearing up a little because she hated to hurt her “I was so selfish” she spoke softly “Because I just wanted to stay that regular girl you liked…” she pressed her lips together “I’m sorry...I should have told you sooner” she’d been dreading doing so honestly.

“I’m me...Taya...this is the real me...Ivy...your Ivy” she murmured softly as she stared at the human’s hand as though she was debating reaching for it.

HumanPermalink Reply by ✓ Taealha Kim on June 30, 2021 at 18:07

It felt like her entire world crashed and burned. In life, you always have to be prepared for disappointments, and Taealha always told herself that ever since she was a child. There were instances where she was already faced with plenty of that, whether it came from friends or the people around her. But she wasn't supposed to be this heartbroken or betrayed over someone she trusted enough to open her heart to. This wasn't… as bad as it looks, that's what she first thought. Ivy was just trying to protect her. Until more and more questions started bombarding her head, is she real? If she's Tessa Blake then was the person she met another persona too? Who's real?

Taealha would like to believe that the person she met was the real her instead of a persona, which she affirmed it was. But why does it feel so hard to believe anything now? "You loved the idea of being with someone without pressure? That's… God I want to say I understand the feeling coming from you but Ivy, what about me? Do you think it's easy for me to believe or accept that you liked me instead of just the idea of me?" It wasn't getting any easier because all the human could feel right now was the tight air space and the tension filling the air that completely shifted the atmosphere in the room. Is this how being fooled feels like? "If I liked you for who you are, as you claimed… then what of me? Did you like me for who I am too? Because it's getting harder and harder to believe this."

Yes she is, she wanted to retort back but she couldn't bring herself to do it, she would only just make the situation worse. But Taealha was surely furious, her body language alone speaks volume. "Ivy… I didn't like the girl, I liked you. But if you can't be honest to your own self, then I can't have the expectation that you'll be honest to me either." And a part of her is afraid that there was more more just this. What is this isn't all of it? She is talking to Tessa freaking Blake, the name is now finally setting in and it's freaking her out. "What… what else is there? What haven't you told me yet? Are the problems you told me before true? Ivy, tell me… everything."

InitiaPermalink Reply by ✓ Ivory Tessa Blake on July 1, 2021 at 22:44

Ivy felt a certain tightness in her chest which could only be described as dread when she saw the way that Taealha was processing everything, she’d always been pretty easy to read when it came to body language and the Initia could practically feel the disappointment coming from here as she questioned everything about them. She knew she was wrong to wait this long but there was a part of her that was afraid that Taealha wouldn’t like her once she knew who she really was, that she wouldn’t want to be part of the life that Ivy had chosen and honestly she couldn’t blame her if that was the case.

She pressed her lips together feeling guilty when the human asked her whether she considered her feelings in this situation, the truth was she had but had chosen to be selfish anyway and that made her feel awful “Of course I liked you” she murmured softly, but Taya was right, how was the human supposed to believe her when she had hidden so much from her before “As selfish as it sounds I wouldn’t be here right now...confessing every mistake I made if I wasn’t...completely crazy for you” she spoke it softly “I’ve never been good with people...but with you I feel like things are just easy...you make me happy...you give me a reason to want to work hard..so I can make you proud” things Ivy hadn’t had in a long time.

Of course she knew Taya was going to be upset and she had every right to give her little jabs and jaunts, Ivy wouldn’t blame her for those, she was an emotional person and she needed to express it. The Initia just hoped the human could somehow understand the choices she had made and forgive her somehow “I want to be honest...okay...I’ve spent so much time trying to find the person I want to be...I’ve spent so much time...in the closet that I was scared to step into the light” she murmured softly “And then you were there...finally I felt like I could see again” she kept looking over to Taya’s hand, desperate to take it in hers but she was also trying to give her space, her hand was trembling.

“My mom she’s...an Initia like me...her name is Diana Blake” she might be famous but her mother was a legendary actress and everyone knew her name, she had no doubt that Taealha would too “She never approved of anything I wanted to do...she never wanted me to be an actress and when I came out to her she called it a phase” she pressed her lips together “So I learned to put on a show...be the perfect daughter she wanted” she bit her lip “And ever since then I’ve been...terrified to tell anyone about that part of me” she teared up a little “I’ve been...conditioned to hide things I’m scared others won’t like about me” she confessed, taking in deep breaths “And I’m so sorry I couldn’t break that habit...I wanted to…” she balled her hand into a fist.

HumanPermalink Reply by ✓ Taealha Kim on July 17, 2021 at 10:35

Her chest felt tight, tighter than it has felt before. All because she was trying to digest the information that was given to her and god it feels harder to get her mind around it than that one time during her final exam where she had to answer a 20 mark question on her chemistry paper. How come human relationships turn out to be more complicated than the compounds she studied? Of course, Taealha wasn’t expecting a relationship to be a walk in the park but it wasn’t supposed to be this hard either? Perhaps, it was because she was still young and naive about it. “You wouldn’t be here confessing to me if you weren’t crazy for me? Would you have confessed your deception if I was just another girl then? I trusted you” she seethed, her fists were balled as if she was angry because she couldn’t word it properly with all the sign language.

She wasn’t even sure what to say without letting her emotions get the best of her, which it is doing right now. “If I made you happy… must you take a while after we started dating to do this to me? When I was already smitten and head over heels in love with you? I told you before how distrustful I am because everyone always seems to want me once and toss me away once they are bored with me… You know exactly how I feel with people like that.” What was this feeling? Anger? Sadness? Both? She wasn’t sure, but she felt betrayed and her heart hurts more than ever. “Ivy… you can’t expect me to be okay with this,” she signed, shaking her head sadly, staring at the Initia before her with a disappointed gaze. She was upset, and it was warranted. But was she angry? Not really. However, the sadness that brewed in her was starting to overwhelm the human. “God I feel stupid…” she sighed to herself.

She was trying to listen to her explanation and it wasn’t easy when her heart is this heavy but still, she didn’t want to get out and run into the night just like that. No, she was… better than that. The name Diana Blake did ring some bells, of course, it would. A famous personality like that would be known by many, including her. “I want to ask one question... were you ever going to tell me who you were? Was that why you were so… antsy around me? Like you were walking on eggshells?” She didn’t want to invalidate Ivy’s sadness because according to the story she told, it wasn’t as if the Initia had a nice life before this and she knows how trauma can eventually cause a habit. She didn’t remember a lot but her sister told her about the life she had before her PTA and it didn’t sound nice either. But still, she is just a woman and her heart is as fragile as she looks. “Were you afraid that I would continue to stay with you just for your name after knowing?”

InitiaPermalink Reply by ✓ Ivory Tessa Blake on July 18, 2021 at 16:39

She felt awful knowing she had hurt her which was a strong reminder for the Initia that this was the first real thing she had felt for someone, she had never invested herself so much into how someone else felt and no one had ever made her feel like this. It was her own fault, we knew it was and she couldn’t blame Taealha for deciding to leave her behind. “I’m sorry” she spoke between a teary sniffle “I wish I could change my own decisions...I wish I could have never hurt you because you deserve better than to be hurt…” she broke her trust by changing the foundation she was standing on and she hurt her by leaving her here in Evermore without explaining anything, she must have fel so lonely.

“I know” she commented and looked down “I kept putting it off because I didn’t want to lose you but I should have realized the longer I waited the more likely that was” she murmured softly as she fiddled with her own hands in her lap. “Today should have been such a happy day for us...no one has ever told me they love me before...not like you did anyway” her gaze softened, realizing she had finally found the thing she had been missing for so long and now she had pretty much lost it in the blink of an eye. “It’s not okay...and I understand if you can’t do this...I can’t even blame you for it because...it’s not what you signed up for” she pressed her lips together trying to hold back tears when she said she felt stupid.

“Don’t blame yourself...you’re you...you’re amazing and anyone would be lucky to even...know you...let alone have you the way I was lucky enough to” she pressed her lips together and she went quiet as she listened to her question “I wanted to tell you...I tried to tell you so many times but it always felt like the wrong time or...I chickened out” she sighed because she was ashamed by what she had done. “I was antsy because I didn’t want the paparazzi to catch us together...being with me...it’s not simple..there’s more to it than you think to dating someone like me...I was worried you wouldn’t want to...be with me if you know the pressure” which wasn’t a good excuse because she was going to have to face it eventually.

Her eyes softened and looked sad “Of course I didn’t think that…” he murmured softly “I wanted to protect you from that part of my life...I know I chose it but I wanted to...fall in love with you without that pressure…” she sighed, she was doing her best to explain but there was no doubt she was in the wrong “You’re upset...I understand and I don’t want you to feel pressure to forgive me...just know I am really...really sorry” she spoke sincerely as she reached for her hand “I’ll get my driver to take you home okay...you can call me if...or when you want to talk” she nodded slightly.

HumanPermalink Reply by ✓ Taealha Kim on July 30, 2021 at 11:11

Maybe being hangover after a long night isn't that bad compared to this. At least she had the option to have a complete black out so she didn't have to remember whatever the hell she did the night before, even if she did something bad. But this, this will always remind her. Would it be bad? Perhaps not as much as she thought it would because even though it hurts for her, she still believes Ivy meant nice. That what she felt for her was genuine. No deception about that. "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt…" She should, that's the only way she'll be able to see this through rationally at the moment. Taealha is an emotional girl, she's just a human who can be a bit too hopeful but also knows exactly how the world operates. She knows things aren't simply black and white.

"Nothing would've changed, one way or another… I would've found out. But I'll trust you this much because you're the one who decided to break this news to me instead of letting me find out over some press outlet or something…" At least it was brief and private. Taealha couldn't imagine what she would feel if she saw her girlfriend over the tv instead. "But I'm also still upset that you left me here alone" now it made sense why she was so busy, traveling here and there, different time zones disrupting what was supposed to be their quality time chatting with each other, sometimes even Facetiming. "You're right… today should've been a happy day for us, because you came back… and this weekend, I was supposed to drag you over to watch that movie I've been wanting to watch for 2 weeks now but delayed because I wanted to watch it with you." Guess her weekend plans are going to have to be postponed. For now.

"I won't… I won't break up with you on the spot, that's not fair for you nor me. I just need some time to think about it…" She's requesting for a while to rethink about this, but even deep down, the human knows she still didn't want to let her go. She really likes her, god knows she does. At least she thought of her, maybe others would tell her that's bare minimum but Ivy is still the subject to her admiration and affection. Even with this, it hasn't changed that. When she offered to get her driver to drive her home, Taealha bit her lip and sighed, what was the point of staying here longer anyway? She would only be more irked and confused. Unfortunately, there was nothing more left to be said for now. "You'll know… when I do." She hesitated for a bit when signing but she wanted to tell Ivy that while nothing is confirmed yet, she wants to try the best for both of them. She halted when she was halfway to the exit door, glancing back at the Initia who looked as if she just got kicked, and smiled sadly, "Have a nice night, Ivy…"

InitiaPermalink Reply by ✓ Ivory Tessa Blake on July 31, 2021 at 20:46

There was the smallest amount of relief that crossed over her expression when she said she would give her the benefit of the doubt but Ivy could still sense how badly she had hurt Taealha and that made her feel awful, she hated seeing her sad and she hated even more that she was the cause “I know...I kept telling myself I’d tell you next time and then next time just kept repeating” she murmured softly, she knew she shouldn’t have let it get so far but she kept replaying the worst things that could happen in her head and then she chickened out again.

“There’s nothing I’d have wanted more than to take you with me...show you the set...the city...but my world is complicated and you should take some time to think about whether you are…prepared for that” she spoke softly, she didn’t want to force Taealha into a world she wasn’t ready for. It made her heart hurt a little when Taya talked about how there was a movie that she wanted to watch with her and she had even waited, how badly she suddenly wanted to see that movie, didn’t matter what it was about or who was in it, she wanted to see it because Taealha had wanted her there “I’m sorry…” she spoke in almost a cracked voice as she teared up, trying to hold back her tears “I wish I could do all this over but I can’t” she sounded a little hopeless.

Ivy bit down on her lip as she looked back at her, she wanted so badly to reach for her, to hold her in her arms and have her forgive her but she knew it didn’t work like that and she knew Taealha needed time to process everything “Take all the time you need” she spoke in a shaky voice “You should know I’ll understand...whatever decision you make” it was selfish for her to want her to decide to stay with her but that was how she felt. “Oh” she commented before she placed her hand into her pocket for a moment and pulled out a silver chain locket she’d gotten for the human “I was going to give you this…” she murmured softly as she held it out to her “Keep it...it’s a reminder that I...love you” she bit her lip, she was hoping that confession would have been under a happier moment.

She waved to her driver and headed over to let him know to take Taya home before she headed back inside her house, she watched as the human disappeared into the distance before closing the door and the moment she did, a sob left her, her back pressing against the door before she slumped down, wrapping her arms around her knees and she cried softly.

HumanPermalink Reply by ✓ Taealha Kim on August 21, 2021 at 5:40

How awful this felt for her, it makes her wonder how Ivy felt too. As much as she is disappointed and upset at this matter, she still had a space where she wondered if the Initia felt the same way she did, did it hurt this much for her too? Or was that just her? Because if so, then all her worries are slowly coming to life, after all. Which was pretty ironic considering everything. So this was why Ivy always seemed so wary of her surroundings, because these days, paparazzi are everywhere, they would capture those pictures and tomorrow morning Ivy would wake up getting a call from her agency talking about a picture making it to the tabloids. How tiring it must be.

“You should’ve asked instead of thinking about it on your own, I am my own person too. I deserve to make my own choice.” Just like the choice she was finally given now, to either walk away or stay. But either way, despite what choice she makes after this, Taealha knew she couldn’t stay here any longer. Maybe she won’t get to stay here tonight, so she’ll leave. But hopefully, she would be able to come to a conclusion, a decision on where they stand. It felt like her reality was dimmed just thinking about it, now she’s just going to have to mull over her decisions the entire weekend instead of spending it with her beloved. This is more painful than she thought it’d be.

Before she could make her way out, Ivy called for her and she turned around to face her, only to see the necklace she brought out. She stared at it hesitantly before taking it, Ivy got her a gift, as usual, but this one was more meaningful than anything she has given her. Her heart felt stuffy as she clenched the necklace, sparing her one last glance before letting the silence engulf them as the doors closed behind. The driver escorted her back to the car and as she got inside, she stared at the necklace again, caressing it gently with her left hand, wondering what the other female thought of when she got her this. Was heartbreak supposed to hurt this much?