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CelestialPermalink Reply by ✓ Hanseol Park on May 3, 2019 at 17:49

At first, despite being in awe over everything that's going in front of him, from the way Jae came to save him, gracing the celestial with his glorious presence, to the fight that ensued not long after. He thought his eye played tricks on him so it wasn't surprising to see him gaping and widening his eyes as if it could actually grow larger, which they did, as he stared at the dhampir with that same doe eyes Jae met him that night. Counting the stars littered across the sky above them right now, it was slightly ironic because when they first met one another, he had been too immersed in his drawing and was staring at the night sky to locate a few stars he could pinpoint the location of. Up until the dhampir standing in between him and the bullies today, tripped on him. On that same fateful night that he never thought he'd found the perfect match for him; the perfect guy, the one he wants to spend his entire immortal life with, no matter how quick that could end or how long it'll extend.

Despite his hollow and sleep-deprived appearance, which was slowly carrying away the message without being said verbally, Hanseol literally lit up his entire body when he could properly see Jae. He's here. He's actually here. He wasn't hallucinating. That black hair he sported looked very good on him, it made the dhampir looked a lot more mature than he appeared to be previously, or how his actual age acted like. But then again, Han knew better than to measure someone's maturity by age. He's 90 but Yeon who's 28 acts a lot more mature and wiser than him. Same goes for Jae, there were plenty of times when the celestial got taken aback by how much wisdom the young dhampir showed. Back then, he was his dhampir. But now, he's no longer incorporating that title anymore. Han obviously did not know that since he's way too drunk in his world to actually comprehend things rationally. That didn't stop him from launching himself into a tight hug, maintaining a firm grip around Jae like his life depended on it, which could be interpreted either way because the fallen star had actually been losing sleep due to the other male. No one is to be blamed but Hanseol Park, clearly.

He has made his bed and now he'll proceed to sleep on it. Drunk Hanseol, however, does not know that. The fight that went down before him and seeing how easy Jae had toppled them down with ease, not even breaking a sweat, it made his heart pound erratically. He was so proud of him. They used to train with each other for fun, and Hanseol enjoyed it because they won't really maim one another purposefully and the celestial always managed to attack the dhampir. But the adrenaline rush coursing through their veins when they evaded the blows and parried blows, it was invigorating. So much that he was not even aware of how much he's missed that feeling – the feeling of entrapping himself in his hold and embrace, back hugging each other and nuzzling their heads into their necks because both of them loved their respective scents, especially Han who goes crazy every time Jae got out of the shower when he spent the day at his place.

Gosh, how much he's missed that and now it's beginning to hit him back slowly. The fallen star didn't know how to lie to himself, if anything, he's mastered the art of it. Most people knew how to lie to others and didn't know how to lie to oneself but Han knew how to. He believed so much into it and his overthinking state will be able to penetrate that firewall without any problem. The only thing that dropped him out was his expressive hues, you can always see the truth in it. Shaking his head in response to his question, Han never averted his gaze. It was on him, the entire time. He wasn't even being subtle, the celestial is literally just staring at him like he was the most beautiful person that's ever existed and to him, he is. Forever and always. He heard the small words that Jae uttered out before he hugged him. It depends out afterward, mostly because he's too encased in this embrace that he never wanted to let go. When will he ever get this again if not now? The way Jae's body got stiff and awkward for a brief moment but slowly melted away when he pressed a hand on him. It was just unfortunate that instead of his usual musk, Jae could only smell the rather strong stench from all the alcohol he consumed earlier, which was quite the amount.

He may not like the choice of beverage, but he apparently built an in-system to have a slightly towering tolerance which, eventually, had him consume more than he should. It didn't feel right wearing it anymore, pang! He just felt like he got slapped once the hug was broken. Jae may as well slap him physically now, since none would measure the pain he's feeling now. He's not supposed to feel pain, that's the whole reason he's drinking tonight?! Initially, he drank his sorrows away to black out and sleep, but to also relieve his heart from all the aching he's been enduring for the last 3 weeks. When he asked if the star walked all the way to where they are now, Hanseol nodded timidly. Han should've never pressed that number 1 dial, no, he should've changed it because it wasn't supposed to be applicable anymore. But who is he kidding? He knows deep down, no matter how much he wanted to deny it, Jaesung Moon would always remain his number 1.

“I'm sorry you had to come all the way out here… I was just… lonely and wanted company,” he then got cut off by a sneeze, which came out sounding almost like a small teensy little yelp from a puppy. He embodied the animal spirit really well. “You can be on your way now… I just needed to have some air… it's breezy tonight. There's also plenty of stars I can count…” he pointed to the sky and marvelled at the sight. “I miss them…” Did he miss where he came from? Or did he miss being up there instead of crashing? Maybe both.

DhampirPermalink Reply by ✓ Jaesung Moon on May 3, 2019 at 23:45

It had been a tough but pretty eye-opening few weeks for Jae, he was starting to really come to terms with things about himself, that didn’t mean they were all good things, it just meant he recognized them. He realized that other people’s opinions matter to him more than he thought they did because he quite literally couldn’t get the image of Hanseol flinching at his anger out of his head. Of all the people he never wanted to make feel like that, Han had to be top of the list, even now. He was ashamed of the way he had let his temper get the better of him again, he really thought he was in a better place with it but it took a matter of about 20 seconds to bring him back to reality. He also learned that perhaps he jumped a little too fast and too blindly, his feelings for Han ran so deep that sometimes he felt like they got away with him and perhaps that had made him numb to the signs. Made him back down instead of facing up to it when Han kept trying to shut him out. Hell, maybe it was his fault for not trying harder.

When Jae finally did bring himself to look at the celestial he noted the way that he was glowing softly, enough that he illuminated the area around them and made it hard for the dhampir to avert his eyes. Even though Han looked like he hadn’t slept in a week, he still looked ethereal and beautiful in a strange way, Jae was always taken aback by the way the celestial looked, sometimes it was hard to believe he was a real person. But then, he was quite literally from another world so he supposed it made sense. He felt his heart leaping in his chest as he looked back at the other male, it happened every time he was with him, whether he wanted it to or not, there was something about Hanseol that always had that effect on him and even now, when his emotions were clouding up his mind and his heart felt like it was aching at the same time. This is why he had been avoiding seeing Han at all costs, he couldn’t mask the pain on his face as he looked back at him and remembered what they went through 3 weeks ago, how the other male had hurt him.

It would have been so easy to melt into that hug, the familiar feeling of the celestial’s arms as they wrapped around him and held onto him for dear life was comforting and had this been another day and the two of them weren’t separated, he would have completely given himself into it. The star smelled of his usual earthy masculine scent that the dhampir had missed so much, Jae didn’t have much in the way of Hanseol’s things in his little dorm room but he did have one of his oversized sweaters which on the hardest nights he had worn to bed just to be surrounded by the star’s scent. It wasn’t the same as actually holding him close though, that same cologne on his skin as the very first time he ever got close enough to smell it. The overpowering mix of alcohol felt wrong though, he’d never known the celestial to drink even a drop in the whole 4 months they had been together and he hated the fact that their breakup was what had driven him to it, especially because he had promised once to show Han what it was like to drink around someone you trusted and now that felt like another broken promise to add to the list.

As he stood there, body tensed, debating what he should do in this situation his eyes met the celestial’s which were watching him intently, he wasn’t sure how to describe the look in Han’s eyes other than one of wonder. It made the dhampir feel vulnerable as he forced himself to look back at him, those eyes were definitely his weakness and he found it so hard to hold Han’s gaze now without tearing up. He loved him so much. Three weeks hadn’t dulled that feeling he had for the celestial at all, in fact, missing him the way he did probably only made it worse for him. And touching him like this, it brought back memories of lazy mornings spent in bed completely tangled up in one another, of wrapping arms around necks and pulling one another in close. Of using any excuse to be close with one another, craving that intimacy the other could give. It had been so hard living without it for 3 weeks, all he wanted was for the star to hold him so that the tears would stop. But not like this. Han was drunk and Jae could tell he was almost far enough gone that he wouldn’t remember tonight, which was also the reason the dhampir refused to leave him on his own.

As he pulled away from the hug he saw the shattering look on Han’s face though, it honestly looked as though the weight of the break up just fell back on his shoulders and Jae felt awful for being the reason the celestial felt that way. His hands played with one another in a nervous gesture as he looked back at the celestial. He hated how complicated things has become, every time he looked at the dark-haired star he was of two completely different minds. The first wanted to hate him for what he had done to them, for taking their relationship and treating it like it was so frail that it couldn’t handle hardship. For making him feel like the two of them weren’t equal, for quite blatantly saying that Jae wasn’t enough protection for him but mostly, for lying once again after he promised the dhampir they were past that. The second though, the second was holding onto the memories the two of them made and the way the celestial had quite literally lit up his life in every aspect, it saw the person he honestly believed was his future. None of that went away just because they had spent 3 weeks apart, Jae missed him, he missed them, more than words could even say.

When the star spoke, Jae went quiet as he listened to him talk, or ramble he guess, he even laughed a little when he heard Hanseol’s ridiculously silly sneeze, he’d always sneezed like that and Jae had always found it endearing though he quickly realized what he was doing and let his expression fall. He understood being lonely, that was the feeling that had overwhelmed him since the moment he walked out, made him miss all the things he was doing alone now that he had always done alongside the celestial “I’m not going anywhere until you’re home safe” he spoke directly with a slight nod of his head, there was no way in hell he was going to be able to leave Han here in this state, especially because he was emotional and therefore glowing. The dhampir’s eyes tipped up towards the sky Han pointed at and he parted his lips a little “You’re right, they’re smiling in full force today” they always seemed to when the celestial needed them most, he didn’t even put it down to coincidence anymore “Guess they’re out to wish you a Happy Birthday” he murmured softly, quiet enough that he wasn’t even sure Han would hear it.

“I thought you said you couldn’t remember your life up there?” Jae questioned as he looked over at the star and let out a soft breath, did he wish he never fell to earth? Jae wasn’t sure he could blame him if he did, considering what he had been through. He’d always understood how hard things must be for Han, letting someone in when quite literally the whole world was out to get you, that took serious strength and resilience. In a way, he could understand what the celestial had done and why it wasn’t like Han had a lot of experience when it came to what a relationship was after all. Jae had been trying to guide him there, to show him that he could lean on him because he wanted to be there for him, wanted to be his equal, his partner. Jae didn’t need protecting from this life, he’d wanted all of it. But Hanseol didn’t feel that way.

“Han can you try and walk in a straight line for me?” he asked as he tilted his head to the side, they couldn’t stay here all night so he needed to make plans to get the two of them out of there.

CelestialPermalink Reply by ✓ Hanseol Park on May 4, 2019 at 10:13

Han never based his life around Jae, perhaps at first, but during those 4 months of together, those glory-filled 4 months that he will never be able to erase from his head. During that period of time, Hanseol learned to love life, perhaps not as a whole but he learned to like the things that goes along with it. He's done a good job at maintaining it so far, until 3 weeks ago, where everything crashed. Maybe his world isn't Jae, but the dhampir is definitely his home, so where does he go if he doesn't possess a home no more? Was he supposed to trudge the road with no direction or goals? The whole purpose of building his life was so he could spend it with Jae, but now that he has no home to get back to, what's the point? It's the reason why everything in his life fell apart, the grand opening was postponed prematurely without any solid reason but since he had the final say, the others have no choice but to follow him. He was being incredibly unprofessional but at the moment, the celestial didn't really care.

If he's drinking his sorrows away, then the step to that path has already just begun. Who knows how far he's go to destruct himself? He may not be able to remember every single bit of detail at the moment due to his drunken state, but it doesn't mean the star forgot everything. He knew the relationship between him and the dhampir standing in front today him was wrecked a few weeks ago, and it's hard to mend it. Initially, he wasn't going to give up but the moment he downed from one shot to two to more, the sliver of hope is starting to fade away. Until now. After what happened with Jae and the ‘thugs', he wasn't sure what to make of it. Does this mean he still stood a chance at winning the dhampir's heart again? It wasn't a dream, so it must be real. Due to his emotions being a trainwreck, he was influenced heavily by it and that made him glow a tad brighter than usual. No wonder people would take interest in him if they just so happen to witness a glowing person in the middle of the highway. Especially those who are supernatural, they would be following him for god knows how long.

In a state where he is not able to defend himself from a car, much less a full brawl fight, he's considered dead meat if anyone decides to target him for his celestial energy. His voicemails, his messages, his calls, none went through the dhampir, unfortunately. He wasn't even sure if Jae even heard even one of what he left for him. Perhaps he did, or perhaps he did not. What does it matter anymore? The pain that he could still see reflected in his dark hues whenever he glanced over, it was clear and it hurts him too, to see someone bright demoted to such a state. Jae didn't deserve this, and he sure as hell did not deserve Jae. So what is he still doing here? Standing still like an idiot waiting for his love to be reciprocated, rather than being on his way to do whatever he was supposed to do earlier? Hanseol felt ashamed, above everything else. He promised not to drink irresponsibly around the people he couldn't trust nor alone, but he broke that promise right after he could no longer tolerate this aching pain in his heart. The one that has been bugging his head and whispering bad thoughts from morning until the day ends. Being drunk and showing how idiotic he could be in front of none other than Jae? That wasn't supposed to happen.

He didn't want to let go of him when he had him in his hold, how could he? The warmth he'd craved for weeks, he's finally receiving it, even if it was brief, it was worth more than everything. No hug can rival Jae's and no touch could take away the burning sensation the dark-haired male left on the star after touching him. It's not even a fair competition. That was when he told himself he shouldn't stay there any longer, he can't outrightly tell the dhampir to leave him when he's the one that called him here, admittedly when he's not in his right mind, well, he's still dizzy and tipsy. Maybe he couldn't think rationally, but at least he's thinking. Points for efforts there. Not wanting to make the dhampir more upset with his presence, he knew he had to leave. Even if all Hanseol wanted to do was tell him how much he loves him and how he regrets every wrong he's done towards him. That's simply not going to work just because he wants it to work.

The small laugh that escaped him when the celestial sneezed, that laugh was addictive, he wanted to hear more of it. Don't get distracted, he scolded himself. “But I don't want to go home just yet… I wanted to walk around. Being cooped up at home only to hear those noisy barks from Yeontan and Byul, I can't take it.” That's exactly when you know things are wrong. Hanseol would never say their barks were a disturbance, not once. And yet here he is, saying how it's becoming a great interference in his life. Following the dhampir's gaze to the sky, the doe-eyed celestial stared at the stars that was actually glowing brighter than usual. It was a good moment, up until he heard word birthday. It was barely audible but since they were not that far from one another in terms of distance, Han could catch it. Right, his birthday.

“I think they're wasting their time… shouldn't bother wishing me or anything. It makes me feel more pathetic because here I am, drunk like hell” he murmured silently, tearing his gaze away from the beautiful night sky and averted it to the pavement instead, hanging his head in shame, showing how disappointed he was with himself for a while. “but if it means I get to sleep tonight, then that's the best present I could give myself.” The only reason he even went out was because his dogs wouldn't stop barking and his sleeping pills were no longer there. Every bottle was empty. Hearing the question about his life from Jae, he glanced at the dhampir for a quick moment before clicking his tongue and chewed his inner cheek. “I don't… I don't remember what it was like before I fell. But it must've been a lot more happier up there. Surrounded by your own family, away from the danger the world poses to you. Maybe it's boring… but at least it'll be safer.” He felt bad for saying that to the guy who's supposed to be the one who helped him back up when he's down.

“I don't regret falling, you know. It wasn't my choice, obviously… and I did resent the world for it. Because I was alone in this bitter and cruel world, having to run away every second I get. But I gained a few knowledge I'll probably never have from up there. I also met people, good people who I really like and wanted to keep around. I met someone I love, and maybe it's brief but it felt longer than that” he didn't dare to look his way, so he just stared at the sky instead. “It was worth every pain I went through before. I would like to thank that person for showing me what it feels like to be loved and to love.” When Jae asked him to walk in a straight line, he tried but stumble on his steps. “I think I'm gonna stay out here for a little while longer… it's peaceful here. Away from all the stuff I have going in Evermore... “ Turning to face the other male, his eyes softened. “You don't have to feel responsible for me, Jae. I'm fine…” But he's not.

DhampirPermalink Reply by ✓ Jaesung Moon on May 4, 2019 at 12:20

Jae supposed he was in two different places, one of them desperately wanted to search to find a way to make this better, the two of them were in a lot of pain because of one another, that much was evident now. He hadn’t wanted to walk away, it wasn’t the fact he no longer cared about the celestial or felt like there was love lost between them. That day in the alley Jae had been searching for something he could hold onto, something that could convince him there was hope for things to get better. But Hanseol hadn’t been able to give him the assurance he needed and Jae did fear that he would lie to him again. Jae didn’t know if he’d be able to take another revelation like the one he’d gotten that day, finding out Han shared a mind and blood with another man and he never knew, that was a blow to his trust. If Han hid that from him, what was he going to hide next? Jae didn’t want to become that jealous or paranoid partner who always suspected the worst of his significant other. That wasn’t healthy, that wasn’t what he pictured a relationship to be.

In Jae’s mind, a relationship, it wasn’t perfect, far from it. It was messy, filled with challenges that would test you and your commitment to one another, it was having to face the world as a two rather than a one. He imagined they’d have to deal with distance, protect one another as they faced up to the hunters who he knew wouldn’t stop coming for his star. It would be figuring out their life together, arguing over the color they should paint the walls of a room or what they wanted for dinner that night. It was sleeping wrapped up in one another’s arms every night and feeling safer than any other place they had been to. It was good morning and good night kisses that spoke those three words in a whole different way. It wouldn’t have been easy but it wasn’t supposed to be, the whole point of a relationship was to have someone to lean on.

What the argument 3 weeks ago brought to light for him is that Hanseol was still trying to protect Jae at the cost of the truth. They’d talked about that, the dhampir really believed there wasn’t anything the celestial could tell him that would scare him off. He’d learned about Han’s sleeping problem and they had been working on that together. Did that mean he always slept perfectly through the night? Of course, it didn’t. But Jae made the effort to stay till the morning every day because Han told him being held made him feel better and if that hadn’t helped then Jae would have helped him find another solution. That was the kind of life partner Jae wanted to be, the kind who would take a problem and collaborate on it until it wasn’t a problem anymore. He couldn’t solve this problem alone. He couldn’t keep begging Han to let him all the way in if he didn’t want to. But he also couldn’t just keep swallowing his feelings anymore either.

Jae nodded when Han said he didn’t want to go home, well trying to force a drunk person to do anything was like expecting a cat to do tricks so he simply pursed his lips as he watched the dark haired male. He so badly wanted to run to him and hold him until the pain was all gone, the worst part was that he knew he could too, because he was the reason for the pain. It only hurt his heart more when Han said that his dogs were being too loud and disruptive. Han teased them both lovingly but it was the first time he’d ever seen him want to distance himself from them “They're probably worried about you” he silently added the word ‘too’ in his head. He was worried, the celestial didn’t look like he was in a great place.

Jae’s expression showed confliction as he heard the celestial put down his own birthday, while they weren’t together right now and he was mad at hell at Han for the things he had done and the fact that he couldn’t be the partner Jae wanted him to be, the last thing he liked seeing was him upset like this. What he hated more was not being able to be the one to make him feel better like he usually would when the star was upset over something “I don’t think you get a choice in what they decide to do, that’s what makes it so beautiful” he commented, his eyes watching the shining constellations. His expression dropped to the ground when the topic of sleeping came up. Jae was filled with a lot of guilt and sadness, not emotions he expected to feel the first time he saw Hanseol after their fight, he was expecting to be angry if he was honest but how could he be angry at someone who looked so….broken. “Have you ever felt safe since you fell?” Jae knew it was a strange question but he was searching for reasons, why Han couldn’t let someone fully in and maybe drunken Han would be rational enough to give him the truth.

The dhampir went quiet a little stunned by Hanseol’s next words, he was just kind standing there looking at him with shock because he’d never heard anything quite so raw and honest come directly from the celestial. It made his heart hurt, hearing the way he thanked him for the short time they had together. He was glad the celestial was staring up at the sky and didn’t notice the tears pooling in Jae’s eyes as he stayed quiet and listened to him. He just about managed to stop his voice for choking up as he responded “You’re welcome” it was weak and his words wanted to falter but he nodded a little. When Han did turn back towards him Jae quickly reached up to wipe away the tears in his eyes. Was Han fine? Jae wasn’t.

“Then I guess you better point out some constellations to me or something because I have no idea what I’m looking at” with that, he sank down onto the grass verge crossing his legs and tipping his head up towards the sky. “I do, you know” he commented not wanting the other male to think he didn’t matter to him anymore “Miss it” he clarified though he couldn’t bring himself to look at him “Miss you” he spoke softly pressing his lips together. “You’re not even going to remember tonight though” he gave a slightly sarcastic chuckle. A little bit longer and then he could go home with a clear mind, closure perhaps. The last time he saw Han wouldn’t be one where they were screaming at one another in anger. There was peace in that.

CelestialPermalink Reply by ✓ Hanseol Park on May 4, 2019 at 18:10

Of course, he knew exactly where they stood, at the moment. It didn’t take a genius to figure that one out and this is not rocket science either. It’s just a situation pitted against them both due to his untimely mistake that jeopardized their entire relationship and here they are, standing in front of each other, as strangers, like nothing ever occurred between them. Well, not like strangers as a whole, perhaps, friends? Distant ones? He doesn’t know what they are, anymore. Former lovers are not supposed to be close to each other like this, it makes everything so much more complicated than it has to be. That’s exactly what’s happening right now, Jae being where Han wants him but at the same time, torn between not wanting him to be there. Han has always been so indecisive and this is not a new thing, but to no one’s surprise, this was by far the hardest situation he ever had to face.

He couldn’t run nor could he turn his back against the dhampir and be on his merry way. Conflicted is one way to describe the celestial, his expressive doe eyes wanted Jae to stay with him tonight, if they weren’t going to work out after all of that, the least he wanted was for the dhampir to spend the night with him here. His heart ached for company, and even if Yeon was in Evermore, Hanseol knew he wouldn’t call for him either, and Yeon would not hear from him if it wasn’t because of the Volakiri bond they have with each other. Han wanted to be alone, but now he doesn’t want to be alone. It’s a rollercoaster ride for his train of emotions, not knowing if this is what he wants or what he tells himself he wanted. With his former lover standing in between things, it was about to get a lot harder to deny all those wishes he had in him, those containing an aching Hanseol who just wanted to embrace his love and forget about everything.

For once in the celestial’s life, all he wanted was to take a break and sit on the highway and rest. He hasn’t been getting any of that as of late, and he’s to be blamed too. There’s not much he could do about it if the problem originated from himself. Han thought he knew how much he missed Jae, but seeing him today, when he’s vulnerable and had nothing to hide or lie since that’s just how his drunken mechanism works, he’s hit by another reality that it’s something he could not measure. He missed him so badly, and without the dhampir, he was not able to sleep a wink. Hearing that the dogs were probably worried about him, the fallen star turned to face the dhampir beside him, a hollow and confused look marring his youthful face. “They say a pet can sense its owner’s emotions because of how well they bonded. Is that why Byul would whimper and look away from me, and Yeontan would continue to bark at me as if it was trying to curse? Are you mad at me, Jae?” the question came out of nowhere but it was somewhat, expected from him.

Chuckling to himself, it sounded nowhere near bright as it usually was, instead, it sounded dry and forced. “Of course, you are. You have every right to be mad at me. But I can’t go home and look at that Pomeranian’s face without thinking of how much you wanted to curse at me...I can’t hear their pitiful and angry barks because it doesn’t help me. Instead of smothering me to sleep, Yeontan even bit me last weekend” he grumbled, one hand went instinctively to his left arm, clutching it as he was reminded of how it surprised him that day. Deep down, Han knew he’s the problem and not his pets, but it’s harder to accept it the second time. “You know what else is beautiful?” He had silently muttered ‘you’ but then followed with another sentence. “Roses. But they’re the dangerously and devastatingly beautiful kind. Looks deceived you until you pricked your finger on the thorns.” It was unlike Han to sound so solemn and dull, despite being a pessimist, since he’s slowly getting better at being positive. Now, it felt like things took a whole 180 on him and he’s back to square one, if not worse.

Has he felt safe since he fell? He couldn’t lie, his drunken state would not allow his head to whir on that department because it takes precision and time to calculate what he’d say. So he told him honestly. Without any filter. “A few times...admittedly. But what’s your definition of safe? Mine is being able to feel peaceful even if it lasted for a few minutes or hours. I feel safe being hugged, I feel safe knowing I have what I want in front of me. I feel safe knowing the person I care and love is safe. That’s my kind of safe that I want to experience. Even if I’m to die tomorrow, if I could have all of that today, then it’s worthwhile. Then it’s okay to say goodbye the next day.” His eyes followed the dhampir when he sat on the ground, tilting his head on confusion. Why is he sitting down? Is he going to accompany him? So he did what he feels right, sit next to him.

“There’s plenty of constellations, you know” he chuckled but pressed a thin-lipped smile when he realized he was probably supposed to be up there like others had he not fallen. “Well, you know me, I’m a Gemini. Castor and Pollux always follow me close, just over the northern sky. If you want to see a Gemini constellation, you should be able to see it more clearly around New Year,” pointing at one of the visible constellations on the sky, he identified it one by one. “That right there? It’s Cassiopeia, the one on our left is Cepheus” Astrology was something Hanseol was sure every celestial had knowledge on, there’s so many and they’re nowhere near finding every single one yet. “Gemini is usually seen around the northern sky but around June like now, you can find them around there,” he said and directed his forefinger to point at their far right before pointing to himself.

“Well, to be fair, I’m right here. On your right side too… I’ll just be your Gemini tonight, then.” Oh, if only Han knew how that sounded like. “But you’re wrong, I may not remember tonight, but I won’t forget it. Remembering and forgetting, those two are more different than others made it out to be. I miss you too, Jae. So much.”

DhampirPermalink Reply by ✓ Jaesung Moon on May 5, 2019 at 10:10

As much as Jae had wanted to be able to completely cut ties and how much easier he figured that would be for himself, he just didn’t seem to be able to make the clean break he wanted to. He shouldn’t have been listening to the star’s voicemails or wearing his hoodie to bed, he shouldn’t have been writing him letters he wouldn’t send about his feelings. But he couldn’t help himself, Hanseol wasn’t just some guy he met 8 months ago, he was his first love. And that meant more to the dhampir than he even knew how to put into words. And despite the fact they weren’t together now, he still cared about Han deeply, he had given him a lot of his firsts and received them in return, he was significant in so many ways to Jae. The dhampir didn’t ever see the way he felt about those moments changing. Even knowing how it all turned out he couldn’t bring himself to regret loving Han or choosing to be with him because it had been a beautiful ride with him.

He saw from the look in the celestial’s eyes that he was equally as conflicted, he supposed the celestial didn’t want to keep trying to chase after someone who was trying to move on. And Jae had really thought that was what he was doing and what he wanted. Right up until the moment he had met the star’s eyes this evening. He wasn’t sure a clean break existed because as soon as Han had called for him, Jae had come running. He always came running at the smallest hint of danger because he quite literally couldn’t stand the idea of Han getting hurt or someone taking him away. He hadn’t experienced being locked away like the star had but he’d seen enough of the fallout in the celestial to know he never wanted him to go through anything like that again and would do anything to protect him. Jae’s breath hitched as Han turned to face him while he talked about Yeontan and Byul. He missed them dearly, he felt like he had been a small part of their family for 4 months and so it hurt to leave them behind too. When he asked Jae if he was mad Jae sucked in a long breath.

“I have to be” Jae spoke honestly as he worried at his bottom lip “Because if I don’t blame you for letting this fall apart then I…” his voice did falter at that point but he sniffed and then continued “then I have to blame myself for not trying hard enough and I tried so hard” it seemed pointless to air all of this with Han while he was in this state, it wasn’t going to solve things, it was just making the dhampir hurt a little more on the inside. But there was one upside to the celestial’s current drunken state, at least now he was completely honest with Jae. At least the dhampir could get a little closure on the questions spinning in his head this way. Jae was shocked to hear that Yeontan bit Han though, that was out of character for the pup entirely “They need you, Han” he reminded the other male as he glanced over at him. They were probably sensing the changes in him and reminding him they still required attention. The things Han was talking about were disjointed and seemingly random, like the thoughts about roses the celestial aired “Are you calling me a rose indirectly?” he questioned trying to understand the celestial’s logic for the statement. Or maybe there wasn’t logic, he was drunk after all.

Jae had always had a bit of insecurity on whether he could protect the celestial, whether he could make the other male feel truly safe. He had always felt safe when he was with Han, being with him had sent his mind to a place where he felt secure and loved, it boosted his confidence and made him feel like he could face the world. He always knew the star had more to fear than he did but he truly wanted to know if he actually felt like he could ever be ‘safe’ or even what his definition of that feeling was. “Safe for me, is feeling like I’m in a place where I can be truly and honestly myself without fear of what might happen, it’s about knowing the world is going to throw stones but feeling strong enough to fight against them” perhaps that was the difference in them, Han didn’t care about getting himself hurt as long as others were okay, Jae was a fighter to the end and wanted to have it all. In the end, their endgame was probably the same though, they needed to feel like others around them were going to be okay. “I wanted to be the one to make you feel that way” he admitted with a grimace, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t enough to keep the celestial protected, that’s why he needed a volakiri.

They sat there, side by side, with a small gap between them and both their heads were tilted back, their eyes focused on the night sky above them. Jae didn’t know much about constellations, he knew what shape some of them were and what they were called but he had no idea how to find them or when they would be visible or not. Han, however, seemed to know far more and Jae wasn’t surprised considering that was his home of sorts. The dhampir had a serene look on his face as he listened to Han talk, following where he pointed with his gaze and recalling the shapes of the star placements in his mind until he could see them in the sky “You really did your research huh?” Jae commented as he glanced over at Han and meeting his eyes for a moment, just as he spoke about being his Gemini. He found himself locked on them for a while, unable to drag his eyes away, he could see the starry sky reflected in his hues, it was utterly breathtaking.

Eventually, he realized what he was doing and broke the gaze, clearing his throat a little awkwardly. His heart felt like it was racing his chest as he came down from it, he turned his eyes to the road watching the cars as they sped past. Tears filled them as Han spoke about missing him too. Jae just wanted to rest his head on the star’s shoulder, just for a little while. Give in to the ache that told him just to let him in for a little while “I really wish that was enough to fix things” he admitted in a weak voice. He didn’t want to be broken up, he didn’t want to be moving on and the thought of finding someone else utterly repulsed him but what was he supposed to do, bend where he stood again?

After a few moments of silence he watched the celestial and sighed, getting him home was going to be a pain in the ass “All I have is my motorcycle with me, do you think you can hold onto me until we get back into the city?” it was risky, he knew that, but there wasn’t much traffic around and he didn’t want to leave the star to get to somewhere with signal so he could call a cab. The middle of the highway of all places to go, it was about as reckless as reckless got.

CelestialPermalink Reply by ✓ Hanseol Park on May 5, 2019 at 15:16

Seeing him today made his heart, ache and he wasn’t sure if it was leaning to the bad side or the opposite. But it was good to see him again after so long of missing that beautiful face, the one that usually greets him daily without amiss. He missed that guy, and even if things wouldn’t be the same between them anymore, Han wouldn’t mind a single bit so long as he gets him back. What is he even thinking about, right now? Wanting him back? Of course, that’s what the celestial wanted but the way he had told himself, it made it out like it was a promise rather than a wish. He knew that he’ll never be able to forget him, much less attempt to move on, and if he’s going to wallow in his own pit of sadness filled with his endless sorrowful cries from every night, then so be it. That’s a wish, Han, he reminded himself.

There was completely no way Jae would ever accept him back into his warm embrace after what the fallen star did, 3 weeks ago. He may as well stop living in a web of lies and delusion. Hanseol didn’t want to, though. The last thing the star wanted to do is to forget everything ever happened, that’s not how he wants to cope with this. Perhaps, it’s his way to cope with other things, but not this one, not his relationship with Jaesung Moon. Live with it, he scolded himself. Live the rest of your pathetic life knowing you screwed up your chance at having a blessed one for your second chance, that’s what he recalled reminding himself every night. How foolish of him to let go of his first love, his true love. As cliche as that sounded, Han truly believed that Jae was the one for him, but was he the one for the latter? For all he knows, Jae could easily find another to replace the dent he made in the dhampir’s heart. With any hopes, that person will also be able to heal it until it’s good as new.

What hurts more? Knowing the person you love would leave you and find another person? Or knowing that you hurt him so bad he would never be able to think of anyone else when it comes to writing up the worse he’s ever experienced. Or perhaps, knowing you’ll have to force yourself to see how well he’s doing while you rot in your own cell of doom? Maybe the third. Fortunately, despite his incessant efforts in knocking over the entrance door to Jae’s apartment because of how many times he’s knocked on it, he still has yet to catch a glimpse of the dhampir. Until today. He looked better than he remembered, which was more than possible, seeing as the dhampir is a very attractive male and in his eyes, the most ethereal being that has ever existed and graced the earth. Biased? He is talking about his boyfriend there, ex-boyfriend. That title would not prevent the celestial from fawning over him, though, which is exactly what he’s doing, at the moment. Hanseol stared at the male with an indescribable look marring his features. Was it a look of a broken person?

Nodding softly, he pressed his lips into a thin line before offering the tight-lipped smile to the dhampir, as if it hurts him to even smile his way. “It’s okay, it’s my fault, you can blame me all you want. I blame me too, so don’t worry. You’re not alone there…” If only he had been truthful from the start and man up instead of cowering like a puppy who got scared by a flash of lightning. Hearing from Jae that his pups needed him, a scoff escaped him, followed suit by a dry chuckle. “Well, I don’t need them,” he mumbled bitterly, fluttering his eyes closed briefly before sighing in distress. “I mean, not now, at least. The last thing I need is two dogs pestering me like I’m an idiot. I know I’m an idiot, they don’t need to remind me of something I already knew. If they wanted to help, they’d shut the fuck up and leave me to sleep. Maybe Byul would kindly step off instead of spilling my pills into the toilet.” Snap! The sudden aggressiveness jumping out like it’s been waiting for the right moment. There it is, that temperamental side of him. Hanseol may be a truth machine while drunk, but he’s had no use of his head otherwise, so he’s more prone to lashing out. It’s also due to the lack of sleep the celestial has been missing.

Once he realized he had snapped, and let the fact that he still relies on the sleeping pills before all of that happened to slip up, Han bit his bottom lip and gave Jae an apologetic look before apologizing timidly. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t supposed to happen…” Perhaps he really did need to sleep sooner than later. Who knows, one of these days, he may even get into a fight just because the star couldn’t hold the rage in. Blinking a few times in awe, he nodded slowly and turned away so he wouldn’t end up blushing in the midst of that. “Mhmm...you’re beautiful like a rose, but that’s only because others don’t see your claws aka your thorns, just yet. Not that I’m saying you’re a thorn by anyone’s side, no way…” At least to hear him panicking over his mindless rambling meant the old Han is still somewhere there. “You’re a fighter… I’m not. That’s what differentiates us. You’re a natural born warrior, Jae. You protect people directly, I...,” it felt as if his throat was suddenly clogged and he had to cough a few times. “I only know how to run because I couldn’t put it past my barriers to hurt anyone, I’m a fool, basically. I can’t even calculate what’s needed” Han hung his head low and wrapped his hands around his head as if he was trying to shield himself away from the world due to embarrassment.

But the last thing he wanted to see is Jae doubting himself, he’s enough. No, he’s more than enough. “I like astrology… I feel like I should know about it, they’re my brothers and sisters, after all, aren’t they? It helps my stargazing hobby too” when Jae met his eyes, he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t pull away for a while, Han was the same. His breath hitched for a brief while when his gaze softened and the corner of his lips tugged upwards slightly as if it was going to form a smile. He looked more beautiful under the illuminating light of the night. It made Hanseol want to run his hand over his dark locks and bury his head on the nook of his neck as his other free hand played with the dhampir’s hand. The moment Jae looked away, he parted his lips in response, nibbling his bottom lip instinctively because the latter had broken the eye contact, which reminded him of his place. Hanseol realized how badly he wanted to be his Gemini forever. If it was up to him, he wanted to stay there a while longer and refused to go back, but he also didn’t want to cause any more problems for Jae so Han eventually nods and agreed. “Sure…”

It probably wasn’t the best time to say it but he couldn’t stop himself. “I hope you know that I only enacted the bond because I didn’t want anyone to get hurt because of me, anymore. It’s been so hard being alone all these years, and when I found you, I felt like I didn’t have to be alone anymore, that I could take on the world if needed. I need a Volakiri, even if I tell myself I didn’t. I owe it to you and to everyone else who gets involved in my life,” he admitted, his tone was small and would probably come off as inaudible, but since Jae was just next to him, he was able to hear it clearly. “You’re the only one who’s still alive and well...everyone else, those small amounts of people I befriended before, they kicked the bucket and I wasn’t there to even attend their funeral. Why? Because I couldn’t. I was locked away. I don’t want to feel helpless anymore, it’s not...pleasant. You got hurt because of me the first time too yet I still couldn’t bring myself to hurt them.”

DhampirPermalink Reply by ✓ Jaesung Moon on May 5, 2019 at 16:35

No matter how much he told himself it was fully over and he was going to move forward though, there were still parts of him that wanted to put on brakes and stay with Hanseol forever, yes, Han had brought negativity into his life and made him hurt. He had lied and hidden things from him. But he had also brought more positivity into Jae’s life than anyone had before. He supported his dreams and never once downplayed the importance of them or told him it was hard to achieve or that he should more realistic goals. He never asked the dhampir to be anyone he wasn’t, he called him out when he was being an idiot, he was there for him when times were hard and he just needed someone to hold him. He made him laugh every single day, regardless of whether they saw each other in person or if it was over a phone call or text. He loved Jae for the person he was. Jae didn’t forget the reasons they had been good for each other at all, in fact, he dwelled over them because he missed them so much.

So maybe he was still holding out hope that this problem that was now between them could be solved, Jae had never once lied to Hanseol, never found the need to because he truly believed that they could work through anything together. Jae wanted Han to share in every part of his life, Han knew the issues he had with his parents and the fears he had about his sexuality when it came to them. They didn’t talk about it often because it was a hard topic but it was a hurdle he was hoping they could get over together. It was why he had been looking for a way to finance his studies alone, so he didn’t feel like he had to conform to the idea of what his life should be that they gave him. Hanseol changed his life in so many ways, led Jae to the person he was, someone he didn’t even know was in him until he had fallen head over heels for a fallen star. And he liked the person he was becoming alongside the celestial, he liked finding who he was when he stepped out of the shadows cast over his life.

Jae watched the way Hanseol forced a smile when he told him he was angry at him, of course, he was angry because he just couldn’t understand why someone would throw what the two of them had away over this. He hated the fact Han lied to him about Yeon, especially after he had given him a free pass to tell him the truth that night before his birthday. He pressed his lips together as he said he wasn’t alone in that blame but he didn’t say anything else on it, seemed pointless to throw accusations at someone who wasn’t going to remember this conversation in the morning. The way he snapped when they spoke about his dogs though, that did stun Jae. He wasn’t scared of Hanseol or his temper, didn’t think he ever would be because he would never feel threatened by the other male, he knew deep down he would never hurt him. It did shock him to see it for himself though, Han had been angry that day in the alley too, it seemed his emotions tended to get the better of him a little like Jae’s did him. “You gotta stop pushing away the ones who want you to let them in Han” he spoke before falling into a stunned silence. He supposed he was in the same boat as those pups, pushed to the sidelines because Han couldn’t handle his own feelings “Maybe then you’d realize all we ever wanted was the best for you” he didn’t comment on the pills revelation but Jae didn’t forget it either. Sleeping pills perhaps? Jae had suspected Han was using them for a while but much like everything else he was waiting for the celestial to come clean himself.

Hearing Han apologize for the outburst Jae shook his head a little “Don’t be, at least we’re finally being honest with one another” he didn’t say it bitterly, if anything he was just glad to be able to have this discussion without it falling into the celestial going into defend and protect mode. Jae did wonder if it was wrong of him to talk with Han about this stuff after a few drinks because it seemed to bring out the truth from him but Jae couldn’t help wanting to be selfish when it came to getting these answers. He could hear the bitterness in Hanseol’s tone as he talked about the differences between them. Jae had always know Han was a runner rather than a fighter but that’s what balanced them outright, Jae knew when to fight and Han knew when to run, together they’d boost one another in both aspects “In a strange way I get why you did what you did” he spoke softly running his tongue over his bottom lip “But like you said Han, I protect people, it’s not fair of you to take that away from me” especially if he was going to let someone else do it instead.

Jae did doubt himself though because instead of swallowing it and hoping for the best every time, he should have pushed harder, sooner. Maybe then he wouldn’t have been so devastated and utterly shocked about what happened. The hardest part was feeling like you knew something and finding out what you thought it to be was nothing like reality at all. He hadn’t thought about the other stars being his siblings but he supposed in a weird way they were “I guess you’re right” he commented thoughtfully as he looked up towards the sky and then turned to look at the sky reflected in Hanseol’s eyes. It was like he was looking at him for the first time all over again, so lost in his eyes, the emotion he saw in them, he felt the magnetism between them and he wanted to lean in and kiss him so badly, he felt himself moving closer but then stopped himself and broke the eye contact. This was so much harder than he even pictured it to be, he thought as he felt his heart sinking in his chest. Nothing about this was simple or easy anymore.

Jae was about to push himself to his feet as Hanseol agreed he could get back into the city on the bike but he halted his movement when he heard the celestial talk again. Jae just looked back at him, lips parted as he took in the words he was saying and the message he was trying to convey. Jae swallowed a little. “I know that” he responded with a slight nod of his head “I also know that I reacted….” he pursed his lips “Poorly and I think that I scared you” he admitted as he pressed his lips together “It just hurt you know, knowing that you turned to someone else for protection when that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do for you” and had been working for hours on end training for “Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I know having a Volakiri is good for you, I mean any kind of protection is good for you and I’d be stupid to deny you that” he let out a long sigh “It just really fucking hurt that you didn’t tell me sooner” he would have been upset just like he was that day of course “I really thought we were in a better place than that and I thought that I meant enough to you that you’d want to let me in” with that he pushed to his feet and headed over to his bike.

He unlocked the seat and pulled it up to take out the spare helmet he kept. He sniffed, pushing down any tears that were threatening to spill before he took a long breath and came back towards Hanseol, the sad topic was over now so he forced himself to keep positive. “Okay you need to keep your feet on the pegs and hold onto me for support okay, it’s not too far back into the city and then you can get into bed” he wasn’t sure how much Han was listening but he felt better saying it. He lifted the helmet and put it onto the other male’s head and then fastened it before putting on his own and heading back over to the bike. He climbed on and then waited for Han to try and climb on behind him as he slipped the key into the ignition. He felt his mind racing for the discussion they’d had and the roller coaster of emotions he was feeling.

CelestialPermalink Reply by ✓ Hanseol Park on May 5, 2019 at 23:16

There was literally no reason why Han should try to forget about the dhampir, none. Perhaps, one that stayed was that if he moved on and forget about having any thoughts of getting back together with him, he was sparing himself the heartache and false hopes. Secretly, even Han didn't want to be dealt with another case of that when push comes to pull, even in the worst circumstances ever, he didn't want to feel heartbroken again. Once was enough. However, undoubtedly, there was still a glimmer of hope lying somewhere. How easy had it been to let go of Jae? The most difficult. Of course, there shouldn't be any surprise to that. Jae was his first, for everything. From his first kiss, to his first relationship, Jaesung Moon was quite literally everything that is the first to Hanseol, who's known no other person to accommodate his heart like that.

The countless times where they would have on-calls with each other, even if he was away from home. There's always a clock set for him and Jae. He remembered that particular day when he was actually bombarded with paperwork in his office at the clinic and Jae was busy with his exams. It would be as late as 2 to 3 am, but they would spend the hour talking or Facetiming one another like it was any day. Jae making him laugh and him doing the same, even the dullest moment could no longer be boring once they talked. Even if it was on the phone. Anything with Jae sounded better if anything. That's why the dhampir is his only love. Now and forever. He is his one and only. Period. Above everything else, Hanseol missed the feeling of his touch. If it was any day of the week, Han would often take a hold of Jae's hand and just hold it for no reason and ask the dhampir to hug him because it made him feel better. Now, how is he ever going to get those anymore? When Jae is not even his? It sounded so complicated yet so simple for the celestial.

Let him go, that's all that his inner voice is telling him to do. Let him go before he causes anymore damage to this already broken relationship, it said. Was this worth everything? But he felt ashamed, admittedly Jae did scare him a while back when he displayed his anger at the alley, but Hanseol never thought Jae would be the one standing at the end of his anger. The dhampir didn't deserve that. “I don't want to push them away… but it feels like the easiest option to pick” he mumbled, there's literally no stopping him from replying truthfully in this state, convenient for Jae, but not him. Wasn't this for the better, though? If he told Jae the truth, instead of suffering the bitter end like this, perhaps there was a sliver of hope to save their relationship. No doubt the two of them loves one another still. We, somehow he noticed that word from everything first. Does that mean Jae still had hopes for him? He may not be the most attentive at this rate, but it also doesn't take a genius to notice the indifference to this. It did cause him to be at loss for words for moment, the celestial couldn't find anything to put it into words.

Tonight was surprisingly a night of the truth, for the most part, now Han wanted to come clean about his sleeping troubles and how he hasn't stop using those pills even after everything. The only thing that kept him from telling before was his pride and shame, he didn't want to show himself in such a light in front of Jae. “I haven't slept for weeks, well… I did. An hour or two maybe. Or the times I actually passed out from not sleeping, which kinda helped him with the whole ‘not being able to sleep' thing. Medication seemed to be the only thing working for me… now.” In truth, it wasn't the only thing. The answer is right in front of him. His dhampir is the remedy to his sleeping troubles, the feeling of being safe in his arms took the space in his head and convinced the star everything was fine, resulting in his peaceful sleeping state. Finally being honest with each other, that hurts. But it's also the truth.

“I didn't want to take that away from you, Jae, I-” he stopped halfway when his tone got defensive and pitiful. How badly he wanted to convince Jae that it wasn't the case at all. “I know you're getting better at your training… I could see it. But what kind of guy would I be if I still risk everything over my own selfish existence? I wanted to be selfish when it comes to you because being happy with you is euphoric. But outside of that, I still don't want to put you in the line of danger. It's not about you being fragile, it's about how deeply I care for you. Don't you wonder what would happen if anything happens to you and I couldn't do a thing about it? I wouldn't even be able to look at you without wincing. And I don't want that... “ How could he? All he ever wanted to do whenever he sees Jae is just to adorn a look of love and tenderness. “I'm sorry if you find it to be that way… it wasn't my intention.” Words came out of Hanseol a lot better than anyone else would've pried it out of him. Indeed, a truth machine. When Jae looked at him, he felt like things could change. But just as the dhampir leaned in, it also took him quick enough to break the gaze and turn away. Another slash to his heart right there. He wanted so badly to bury his head into the nook of his neck and tell him everything that's been bothering him, hoping for the other male to take it off his chest.

No matter how many times he wished to reassure Jae that he didn't scare him or the sorts, he couldn't bring himself to say it because he wasn't supposed to lie. Jae did scare him that day at the alley.  Seeing him punch Yeon and then their argument that followed afterward. Everything of that scared him, but most of all, the dhampir's temper that he had witnessed beforehand the night he bailed him out. But never full-blown like that day. It served him as a memory he'll never be able to forget, but it wasn't supposed to be a painful reminder either. The way the star bit his bottom lip in contempt as his thoughts reeled over his head while the dhampir clasped the helmet on him as he got on the transport. He placed both his hands on the male, no, around him, specifically snaking his arms like it was the most perfect place ever.

“You were always inside. You just didn't notice that door that I tried so hard to conceal because of how much I dreaded the content inside. It's okay, nobody else was permitted to see it too. Not even Yeon” he exclaimed, it was a door he never allowed anyone else to come close to, not even his Volakiri, strangely enough. “I made the mistake of chasing you away instead of pulling you in, I'm sorry,” leaning his head on his back, he let out a heaved sigh. “how I wish I could take it all back and tell you after everything, I'm more than ready to open that door to invite you in.”

DhampirPermalink Reply by ✓ Jaesung Moon on May 6, 2019 at 10:20

They had always worked well together, been one another’s cheerleaders as Han liked to put it, every time Jae had an exam it was Han who had helped him relax the night before and who had been immensely proud of him every time he got a grade back. Jae had been supporting the work Han was doing with his new Veterinary clinic in Denver, he had ever stayed with him up until 3 am one night because the paperwork needed to be done and helped Han with all the filing and filling out the forms. After, they went home and fell into bed together exhausted but accomplished. It made him wonder if the new clinic opening went well, it was supposed to be two weeks ago right? He really hoped it did go well because he knew how hard Han had worked it and despite the fact he hadn’t actually seen it for himself, he was proud of what the other male had done with it anyway. He was always proud of him in everything he did.

The way that Han talked about pushing people away being easier, he supposed it made a lot of sense. He had always tried to understand Hanseol’s perspective on things and he could imagine that spending your life leaving people behind and running...it was easier not to get attached to people and then have to leave them behind later. He imagined it felt a lot like the way they were feeling now like they had lost something very important in their chest. At least, that’s how it felt for the dhampir, almost like it physically hurt because a part of him was missing. “I know that it feels easier but you can’t keep doing that forever” he spoke softly with a sad smile, he thought that the fact that he loved him might change that, might mean he was the one who got pulled in closer instead of shoved away when times were hard. He wanted to share some of the weight that Han held on his shoulders and help him to solve his problems and woes “Relationships don’t work from arm’s length” he added and pressed his lips together.

Hearing the truth and how Han really felt, that helped him to understand a little, he knew that Han had gotten angry and said things he didn’t mean three weeks ago since then, he’d been trying to figure out what was the real truth and what was just him being upset and angry. Maybe it came a little late considered it took the two of them breaking up and a lot of alcohol in the celestial’s system to get a straight answer but it did give Jae the smallest amount of hope which swelled in the pit of his chest. Hearing Han speak about his problems with sleeping made Jae feel a little guilty because he was pretty sure their sleeping arrangements had been helping Han to get a peaceful night. The first initial pang he got was a want to crawl into bed with him and take his pain away, let him sleep peacefully for one night. “You know you can’t rely on medication like that right?” he pursed his lips, using it too much could lead to addiction.

Of course, Jae was still worrying about Hanseol, he did it a lot, to be honest, never really seemed to be able to let go of that feeling in the pit of his chest that told him to look after those he cared for. Jae shot him a look as he said he didn’t want to take it away from him because that was exactly what he had wanted to do. The more Jae had thought about it the more he realized that Han had been trying to protect him but the problem was protecting someone by shutting them out wasn’t healthy, it led to conflict and someone feeling like they were sidelined. He listened to Han talk about how he felt about it, how he had wanted to keep him out of involvement because he feared to lose him. Ironic that was the reason he hurt and lost Jae. The dhampir sighed softly “Just take two seconds to think about that situation reversed, how would you feel if there was a way you could protect me and be there for me and I never let you know about it and then I got hurt because I didn’t let you in” he stared straight at Hanseol, he wasn’t the only one who feared to lose the other, in fact, Jae probably had more to fear considering how vulnerable celestials were in this world “You don’t the monopoly on worrying about people getting hurt Han” it was a scales, without them being balanced, one side would always be hurting.

The fact that Han didn’t say a word about the fact that he scared him, made Jae sure that he did. He really hated that fact that he did, he hated the fact that his emotions could get the better of him and he would lash out and he was beating himself up inside over it. He never wanted Han to feel like he wasn’t safe around Jae “I know you have no proof of this” he spoke softly his lip quivering a little “But I want you to know I would never hurt you….like that” he just had to say it out loud, he didn’t expect Han to forgive him right away for his violent tendencies, he didn’t forgive himself after all, but he had to say it.

He climbed onto the bike and then waited for the celestial to do so, he felt his warm grip around his torso and the way Han pulled himself close against his back, resting his helmet against the material of his jacket. He tested the sturdiness of the balance as he listened to Hanseol speak. Jae bit his tongue as his eyes teared up a little because this was the first time Han had acknowledged that shutting Jae out had been a mistake. That was all he had wanted to hear “Are you scared of what I’d find?” he asked, the emotion showing in his voice as he turned the key to the ignition.

He pulled off, heading further out of Evermore until he found an exit to the highway and used it to loop back onto the other side and headed back in towards the city. He was processing everything that happened emotionally as they rode. Thankfully, despite the alcohol, Han seemed to be doing a good job of holding onto him so he didn’t need to worry too much. He didn’t know whether what Han said changed things because he said them while drunk and while Jae was sure he meant them, he wasn’t sure the celestial would be quite so ready to let him in, in the morning, when he didn’t remember this conversation at all. Jae let out a long breath. Well Han was holding on okay so he decided to try and get him back home on the bike, that would be easier than leaving it and having to come back for it later.

His eyes were streaming with tears as he rode, he was glad the star couldn’t see him as he processed all his emotions. How badly he wanted to fix things now, now that he had seen the slightest glimmer of the solution he had been hoping for. How badly he wanted to climb into bed with Han and take every thought of not being able to sleep away. He wanted to go to bed and now feel like his heart was going to explode from sadness again. He wanted his life partner back, one who maybe, just maybe, could see him in equal measure and the two of them could build the beautiful life he had pictured together.

CelestialPermalink Reply by ✓ Hanseol Park on May 7, 2019 at 6:11

The nights that used to be filled with laughter hailing from both of them has descended into crumbs of what seemed to be empty ones from the hollow look that Hanseol had flashed across his face. It’s almost rare to find the celestial to be so disheartened whenever there’s Jae in the same room, seeing as the last thing the celestial wanted was to give his partner any reason to worry about him, which is mostly rounded up from trivial matters that he too, would rather not pay attention to. One of them was working and the other is studying diligently, they came from different worlds, quite literally. One is almost a century old in one more decade while the other is still at the starting line of his youth. But they had a few things in common too, and most of their differences only managed to pull them closer than before.

Those countless nights that Han would spend with Jae, to look over his assignments and help with what he could, and if he couldn’t be any help in academia, he’d stay right by his side and cheer on the dhampir. For someone who enjoys being taken care of, Han also had an affinity in making sure his boyfriend is well-taken care of, especially if he’s within his presence. The fallen star knew what stress would do to their body and the likes, and wished to lead the dhampir astray from that path in the best of his ability. Meanwhile, Jae has always been so proud of his working field, treating and healing animals had been something the dhampir always praised him over, telling him plenty of times on how he had a big heart. Which pays the question, what’s happening to that clinic now? He shrunk in reflex upon hearing what he’d ask himself, Jae would feel so sad to hear that Hanseol postponed every single thing that had been in the production for months-long because he couldn’t get ahold of his own mental and physical state in those 3 weeks. Unprofessional at its finest. But Hanseol isn’t like Yeon, his Volakiri who knows how to manage almost everything at a systematic order.

This meeting out of the blue did make him wonder if Jae felt the same he did. Did the dhampir also feel like a part of him was lost, a part of him has torn away and now he feels incomplete despite every effort made to push that feeling away? Strangely enough, a part of the celestial did want him to at least feel the smallest tinge of hurt he’s felt. Was it possible for them to bond over that? “I don’t want to do this forever, I hate feeling so helpless and hopeless for even a few hours, much less a few weeks. But I can’t help but feel this way, like nothing matters anymore” he sighed heavily, the air of frustration inflating his chest, begging for a release soon unless an explosion in order. Hearing Jae’s soothing tone did soothe him, but seeing the sad smile marring his beautiful face did not suit him and it made the celestial want to wipe it off and replace it with a smile. Relationships don’t work from arm’s length, that’s what he said to him. This caused Han to jerk his head to face him in a split second, staring at the dhampir with a look that could only be interpreted as a look of sorrow as his eyes welled up slightly.

The talks about their relationship always sent him over the edge, leaving him to cry himself to sleep, though it would only last one or two hours if he’s being lucky, which unfortunately for Hanseol, his luck is running out. Even Yeon knew better than to talk about Jae to him nowadays, knowing full well that the celestial would end up snapping, especially in his current state that is always restless and exhausted. It’s a surprise that he hasn’t fainted right here on the spot yet because his body weight feels heavier for some reason and his head is hazy. But the desire to see more of Jae fought through and told everything else to stay behind the lines. Before this, a hug is enough to coo the star to fall asleep, and if Jae hummed a lullaby or tune, Hanseol would doze off a few minutes later and as long as the dhampir had his hold over him, he wouldn’t do as much as trash around, let alone wake up in the middle of the night. But now, he’s more than sure that the simplest touch from him would enable Han to sleep a peaceful night.

That’s how much he’s craving his touch since the celestial is only able to sleep without any worries tainting his head when he felt fully safe and that is something he felt whenever he has Jae with him. With his head hung low, Hanseol sighed in aggravation but what came out later was a pitiful whimper. “The worst part is that I know… but would not stop doing it,” on another case, it’s similar. “Just like how I’m continuing on this road to destruction when I know it’s also ruining us” there it is. There was a highlighted part around us. In his head, despite their current arrangements with each other, they’re still a pair. They’re just separated, that’s all. It doesn’t lessen the pain, obviously, but it helps him to cope a bit. “I need to rest, Jae…,” looking up from the pavement and now facing into the dhampir’s dark hues that he loved so much, if Jae could see properly, then he would be able to see the broken hollow look inside Hanseol’s usual expressive ones. “I need sleep. And I can’t get them unless I resort to those… methods. Herbal medication doesn’t help anymore, my body wouldn’t accept it. Unless I want to spend the next hour puking my guts out after consuming them, and the next to be bed bound like a sickly person, I shouldn’t bother with that.” Hanseol concluded that his body had been too used with the sleeping pills that it would not want to accept another form so easily. It’s a lot like rehabilitation.

It wasn’t as if the pills started only 3 weeks ago, it got worse in that span of time, yes. But it’s started over 9 months ago, just before he met Jae. While spending time with the dhampir helped him sleep better in the past month, before that Jae didn’t stay over every night which pushed him to take one or two to rest. Following those words Jae said, he pressed his lips into a thin line before scrambling to find words. “It- it wasn’t my intention to do that. Foolish of me, not to think it would’ve been the same for the other party. I’m sorry…” the good thing was that he’s slowly understanding what’s the problem there but in his current state, would he even recall what happened the next morning when he wakes up? Would he remember Jae coming all the way here to take care of him? “The only proof I need is your word, that’s more than enough…” he mumbled silently, which was true. Hanseol being Hanseol would believe Jae’s words any day. He knew that the dhampir wouldn’t dare to hurt him, they’ve befriended each other for quite a while, and went through plenty of hurdles before this, surely they were not that weak? As soon as his hands snaked around the dhampir’s waist, he leaned forward and breathed out a shiver before pushing forward with his plan, which was to lean his head over his back.

Due to the protective gear he wore, the helmet prevented the other male to feel his warmth, but at least he knew. “I’m more scared of what I’d find if we’re being honest. I don’t know what goes on in that side, Jae… I don’t want to scare you of all people, but I also don’t want to scare myself. I’m not always this,” a clear indication to his years spent in captivity, Hanseol wasn’t all that warm or innocent during those cold years. Forgetting was a method he incorporated into dismissing the fragments away, but once he opened the door again, would he be able to handle what’s there? “But after hearing what you said, I knew I had to learn how to face myself first before opening up to others fully. I’m willing to do that, I just don’t want to do it alone… being alone is the cruelest punishment you can ever give anyone and I’ve had plenty of my years measured on that.” Regardless of the not-so-comfortable setting of him wanting to sleep, the star eventually dozes off the moment he felt the wind hit his face, combined with the warmth radiating from Jae. It felt so comfortable.

DhampirPermalink Reply by ✓ Jaesung Moon on May 7, 2019 at 15:04

If Jae was to list all the things he thought he’d be doing tonight, coming to find a drunk Hanseol at the border of Evermore city definitely wasn’t on the list. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to regret coming because in the space of the hour they’d been on the roadside together he’d gotten more truth and understanding than he’d gotten in their entire argument three weeks ago. Jae felt like he could understand the position Han had been in now and maybe even sympathized with him a little. He got how afraid he must have been and why locking everything away might have been easier in the moment. He saw a shell of the man he had known a month before now, Han had really been blossoming, he’d seen it, coming into his own, gaining confidence in his work, constantly painting and putting out beautiful artwork. How was it possible that three weeks seemed to entirely erase all the progress he’d made? Jae felt guilty for the part he played in that.

Hanseol only confirmed his fears about his lack of will when his next words slipped from his lips and Jae took in a long and pained breath, the last thing he wanted to hear was how Han was struggling without him, it made it so much harder to make a clean break and move on. Except he wasn’t even sure if that was what he wanted anymore, the dhampir wasn’t sure how he should feel or act when it came to the other male “I know it hurts and I know how hard it is to let someone in, you think I’m proud of my temper and the way it makes me?” he definitely wasn’t he had been doing everything he could to get it under control and he was still furious at himself for losing it “But choosing you meant choosing to let you see all of me, the good, the bad and even the things I fear most” he admitted as he bit down on his lip. He was afraid Han would see him in a different light but he couldn’t change who he was and nor could the star, he didn’t want to know a fabricated half version of him.

Seeing the tears that welled in Han’s eyes did strike him for a moment, seeing the other male give over to the emotion he was feeling, it made everything a little less surreal for him, made him feel the rawness of their separation. Jae was exhausted, there was no doubting that, he cried himself to sleep every night as he thought about Han and the life the could have had together. He wasn’t just thinking about next week’s date or what they’d have for dinner together, he had been seriously thinking about moving in with the star, building a real life, dreaming about a future where they supported one another and pushed one another to reach their full potential. Relatively they were still both young and had so much space to grow, he was in a place where he was excited to see the life they might have together. Travels, looking after their pets, caring for one another when times were hard, pouring his love into someone who respected and loved him just as much as he returned it.

He missed the securing feeling that came from being in the celestial’s arms, just from his touch alone Jae felt validated and secured, he felt stronger about everything else in his life when he was supported back home. He had never felt that in Korea, while Eun had always been been on his side, he’d always had to tolerate his parents wanting him to be someone he wasn’t which always made him doubt himself or question whether there was something wrong. Coming home to Hanseol every night, that had made him believe there was a potential home for him one day that provided him the support and love he craved. Jae didn’t know how to solve Han’s sleeping problems, he wasn’t a doctor but he knew it wasn’t healthy to bottle things up, at least with the truth they could acknowledge there was a problem and eventually try and find a solution. He was so tempted to reach out to the star and comfort him but he stayed his hand “I know Han” he spoke softly, understanding the feeling of exhaustion well. He’d seen the star’s nightmares for himself, they scared him too, they made him worried for the star’s safety and sanity.

Hearing the way Han realized how Jae’s side of this situation felt like a breakthrough to the dhampir, he’d been trying to make the star understand the fact that they were both always going to worry for one another, that was a big part of loving one another. There wasn’t supposed to be one of them who protected the other more, it was supposed to be an equal partnership, they were supposed to boost one another up, not hold one another down. “I know you are” he spoke gently as his eyes met the other male’s “But I can’t just change my mind on your word anymore, I tried that already” he had given Han the chance to come clean about everything 2 months ago and the result had been the star getting better at hiding things. Jae might have had his suspicions about the sleeping pills but he’d wanted Han to tell him about them of his own accord. Now he had, but Jae didn’t know for sure that what Han said while drunk would be what he would freely give while sober. He wished it would, because that gave him a glimmer of hope, but he knew how attached to hiding his true self Hanseol was. He wanted to think they were both strong enough to tackle their problems head on for each other though.

As they rode through the city, Jae reminded quiet, listening to Hanseol talk and feeling him breathing against his back “Nothing scares me more than seeing you hurt over something I can help with, I’m not scared of who you are Han, I’m scared of being half a stranger to you” he admitted with a gentle sigh, all he wanted to do was be there for him, be his rock. It was okay to him for the other male not to be perfect, it was okay to break down a little, vent his frustrations, communicate hardships. Jae signed himself up for that, he didn’t sign up for lies or a facade he felt trapping in a never ending loop because of. He felt the other male relax into his back telling him he’d fallen asleep just as he rounded his way into the west of the city “You’re not alone” Jae breathed out softly. Maybe he’d walked away but he always seemed to come running when the star needed him. Tonight only proved that.

Jae’s bike came to a slow stop outside of the celestial’s home, despite never driving here himself he knew the route like the back of his hand. The removed the key from the ignition and put it into his pocket while pushing down the kickstand. His hand caught against Hanseol’s which was still holding onto him tightly. The dhampir pursed his lips before shuffling a little to climb off the bike and pulling the star with him and tucked his arm under his knees to lift him up and cradled his arm around his back. Jae couldn’t bring himself to wake him now he’d finally managed to fall asleep for a few moments. He walked up towards the door and then slipped his hand into Han’s back pocket where he knew he always kept his keys and inserted them into the lock. Just as he pushed the door open he heard the star stirring a little, feeling him moving a little “Hey you’re okay, go back to sleep if you want” he spoke softly in a comforting tone, he couldn’t take sleep from him after knowing the truth about his problems.

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