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CelestialPermalink Reply by ✓ Hanseol Park on May 8, 2019 at 7:35

Getting drunk wasn't supposed to be on his list tonight, Hanseol has only drank once in his lifetime and that was over two years ago when he first settled as a veterinarian. His coworkers weren't being responsible enough for him and thus, the influence became a very bad one and caused the celestial to have a not so wide perception about drinking. As time passes, he knew he didn't hate the idea of drinking but after experiencing the backlash and hasty result of a mad hangover, Han knew better than to drink irresponsibly. So, no drinking alone or without supervision from someone who is sober. No drinking irresponsibly for no goddamn reason. Yet here he is, breaking all the rules about that because he couldn't handle another night without sleep. Not tonight.

Tonight was supposed to be a good day to reminisce just how far he's come, it's not supposed to be this upsetting and dull. If only he was still with Jae, if he still possessed the dhampir, no doubt he would've spent the entire day laughing until his happiness is stoked to the moon. Why? Because his dhampir makes him very happy. In any way; every way. He didn't expect much for tonight, getting an hour or two for sleeping sounds like the best gift he could ever receive, considering his current status. Beggars can't be choosers, after all. Seeing Jae, however, that was the biggest highlight of the day. Not only was he waiting for him to pick up his endless phone calls or answer his texts back, but he also desperately wanted to meet the dhampir again and now he has. The dhampir is with him, the distance between them were so close, it's unbelievable. Hanseol wanted to pinch himself and see if this was a dream but stopped himself from doing so, it doesn't matter if he was hallucinating in his drunken state because if this was a dream, then it's a dream he doesn't want to wake up from.

It's a pleasant dream, one he hasn't been getting for a long while. Choosing you, those particular words rung in his ear for the next few minutes as the celestial tries his best to regain his composure and blink rapidly. Was Jae implying that he's choosing him? Still? There was no indication in the sentence that stated any past tense behavior, as well. Was this real? “I don't want to hide myself… not from anyone and certainly not from you, our of all people. If there was anyone else that I would like to show my real raw self to, you would undoubtedly be the first in my mind, but I also wonder if all of that is just me being wishful. What if things go wrong, what if you won't like me?” he trailed, biting his bottom lip instinctively as he parted his lips to continue.

“I know it's just me overthinking things, Jae. Perhaps. But you know I can't help but to think of all the possibilities. This is my first time being happy after so long. This is the first time I actually felt like I belonged somewhere and it doesn't have to be a place or a city like Evermore. It doesn't have to be a faction where I can find people like me in the same spot. It's me feeling like I feel safe at home with someone who's able to embrace me at the end of the day and assure me everything is going to be fine. I want a home. I want a life. I want all of that. I don't want to lose it but I don't want to lose you, above everything else” it was clear that today was a very auspicious day for him, the day where Hanseol is allowed to be emotionally driven without any solid reason to back his reasoning.

He has the right to lash out today. He has the right to cry today. He felt stupid for doing that after all they've poured into the beautiful relationship that is Hansung. Jae received an official statement from himself to move in and Han was just waiting for that day to come. Moving in was the next big step in figuring things out where they stand. To think if he had told the truth instead of delaying it, he would've been able to witness Jae waking up next to him every morning without amiss. He could've witnessed Jae trying his best not to set anything on fire while attempting to prepare breakfast. Hell, he could've known how much love they would have, according to how lovingly they stare at one another. All of that is gone now and he's left to bite the dust. The worst part is that he couldn't even complain about it because he started it. Jae said he couldn't change his mindset over a few drunken words, and he couldn't blame the dhampir for going with that.

While the celestial is an ultimate truth machine during this state, there was no telling if he was willing to push everything else that had blocked them, away so he could come clean about everything and mend their relationship. But god does he want another chance to prove that. Not being able to touch Jae, much less hug him, it's painful, especially seeing as the celestial is very into skinship and he made it clear that he loves enacting them with his boyfriend. “You were never a stranger to me. You knew me better than myself. While I've been deluding myself, you knew better. I envy that... “ he sniffled, wiping the stray tears that stained his cheeks earlier. So for the entire ride, he just kept quiet and focused on calculating every tingling sensation he received upon being allowed to wrap his arms around the dhampir's waist and sleep against him. When they arrived, he was still sleeping, it felt serene. The moonlight illuminated the both of them, his peaceful calm sleeping face would've never passed off as a grown man who's known suffering and is living his stressful life right now.

Halfway to his doorstep, the celestial stirred slightly and peeked one eye open, only to be greeted by a soothing voice he recognized to be Jae's. Sleeping sounds so good right now and it's hard for the already sleep-deprived star to deny it. But his want to see Jae longer overpowered that and the first thing he wanted to do when he got back home was to take a shower so the dark-haired male wouldn't have to stand the celestial's strong alcoholic stench polluting the air. It took him a moment to realize that Jae's carrying him. “You can… put me down. I want to wash myself… I reek of alcohol” he murmured and took the ropes up to set himself down. Patting the material of his jeans, he couldn't help but to stare at the dhampir. Even in the dimmed lit living room, he still looks so beautiful which prompted him to speak before he forgets about this ever happening. He needed to say that.

“You're my everything,” he blurted, and cleared his throat a few times to resume the unsaid words. “you told me not to base my life around a person because that's unhealthy and unrealistic. I'm still surviving after that, but my world fell apart, Jae. I fucking missed you so much it hurts. It hurts that I can't even be anywhere near you because you'll feel uncomfortable.” The tears welling up eventually broke its course and allowed it to stream downwards. His face showed just how hopeless he felt without his guidance. “It hurts that I have to listen to your roommates’ ridiculous excuses. It took me a lot of power not to barge in because you cherish your privacy and I have to respect your own solace. It hurts that I can't hug you again, to bury my face in your neck and kiss you. It hurts that I-” his lips trembled as the tears started falling through endlessly.

The fallen star clenched his fist tightly until it was very pale as he let out a strangled laugh. “God I sounded pathetic…I'm… I'm gonna go now” As he stumbled on his steps, he gave a few hand gestures saying he's alright as he walked funnily towards the bathroom because he couldn't stand the embarrassment. Which really wasn't doing well for him seeing as Han hit the wall and groaned in pain.

DhampirPermalink Reply by ✓ Jaesung Moon on May 8, 2019 at 8:35

Jae knew this was quite possibly the worst thing he could have done when it came to trying to move on, being here, it was filling his mind with hopes and what ifs. It negated every time that he didn’t call or text back by a mile, he hadn’t just answered a call from the star, he had come running because the worry for Hanseol’s safety had been greater than anything else he felt. Or perhaps that was a delusion too because he knew those feelings of worry came from his love for the star. There was no denying that he was still in love with Han, so stupidly in love that he found himself wanting to stay by his side, even though Han was drunk and it wouldn’t change anything in the long run. Finally getting the truth, the way he’d been craving for so long. He didn’t know whether it was closure or hope he was looking for but either one kept him there, made him want to stay just a little bit longer.

He understood Hanseol’s fear about what others would think way better than most would “I’m the one of us who worries what people think of them remember” he spoke softly and sniffed, of course, he knew Hanseol cared about what he thought of him. The thing was, he didn’t think there was a single thing Han could tell him about himself that would scare the dhampir off, he was so far past that already. “Are you kidding me, Han I told you I loved you” his lip quivered for a moment, that wasn’t just some empty word that meant nothing to him, he was the first person Jae had ever told it to and he’d told the star how much it meant to him the day they talked on his couch for the first time. “I wouldn’t have been asking for the real you if I didn’t think I could handle it” he literally didn’t think it was possible for him to ever dislike him, even when they weren’t together and Han had hurt him he still ached for him on the inside.

Jae pursed his lips, this was all very overwhelming for him, hearing it all out, putting feelings on the table and if Han had been sober he would have been ecstatic because he’d be finally be getting the real and raw feelings from the celestial that he’d been asking for. This felt like cheating because drunk people were so much more honest about their real feelings and that was the main reason Han was spitting every word Jae heard. He wanted this discussion, but he also knew the emptiness of having it like this. “If that’s what you wanted then you would have realized you could trust me with all of this, any of this” he spoke in a voice just above a whisper, God, did it hurt, thinking about what-ifs and going over every step the two of them had taken and where things had fallen apart “I wanted to be your other half, as stupid as that sounds” equals, partners.

He might have his issues with his parents, namely their poking around in their children’s business and how they should live their lives. But, they had always set this shining example of a relationship for Jae, always honest and upfront with one another, his father never treated his mother like she was lesser than him, even though she was human and he was a valkyr, in fact, he often said she was stronger than him, stronger than all of them. Jae had been raised with the belief that a relationship was an equal partnership, two people making one another stronger, boosting one another and showing the world they couldn’t break them. Jae didn’t know how to be that with Hanseol when the other male’s default when there was a problem was to keep it to himself or go to someone else. Sure, there would be things Jae couldn’t even help him with, but he could be there for Han, at least be someone to talk about his fears or his worries with. He wanted to be the best teammate there was.

Jae was having just as much trouble keeping distance between them as Hanseol was, the dhampir had always shown his affection by touch, that was his form of showing his love and adoration for someone and so being close to Hanseol but constantly telling himself not to cross that line was hard. Especially when he saw the longing to do the same in Hanseol’s eyes. This was like torturing themselves, being here together but also not being here together. “I was just…” he paused, also sniffing because emotions were slowly getting the better of him, he had been on the verge of crying for most of this evening “Waiting for you to let me in, waiting for you to tell me that you needed me and it never came” maybe that made him selfish but to hear he turned to someone else for that. That was hard. He kinda understood why but it hurt not to be the person the celestial felt like he could go to for help. It hurt to be the one on the sideline unable to do a thing to help the person he loved most.

Feeling as Hanseol stirred in his arms the dhampir let out a gentle sigh, he was kinda hoping the star would stay asleep because that would make this whole thing easier, he could take him to the bed he knew better than his own, tuck the other male into his said and leave him with a sense of peace. It was hard, being this close to him, feeling the celestial’s head against his chest and his shallow breathing and not being able to stay and hold him the way he loved to so much. Instead, the celestial asked him to put him down. Jae closed the front door behind them and obliged, setting him down gently on his feet to stop him from falling over or losing balance. Watching Han as he adjusted he was debating how he should go about excusing himself when he heard Han speak.

He felt completely stunned by what came out of the celestial’s mouth next, his eyes welling with tears as he looked back at him, the word ‘everything’ swirling around his head and reminding him of the time that Hanseol told him he wanted to live for him. He pressed his lips together in an attempt to stop himself from crying but it didn’t work and a few spilled over, tracing down his cheeks as he looked back at the fallen star. Especially when Han started crying too. He knew exactly how he felt, it was like he was describing the exact way that Jae felt inside for the past three weeks to a tee. He sniffed feeling the start of a headache beginning because he’d been crying too much. He wanted to say something, anything, that might take a little bit of that pain away from him but all he ended up going was choking down a sob. This was so hard for him.

He told himself that he should leave and he was only torturing himself by staying but his heart had other ideas as he stepped towards the celestial as he went to excuse himself “Han” he spoke as he watched him walk away. He knew he should walk away now and not look back but he watched as the star stumbled into the wall and he sighed softly. How could he leave him like this? He didn’t want this to be the last memory he had of the fallen star. Seeing him so broken and torn up like this, he was never going to find peace or closure in that. Despite his head screaming at him not to, he took another few steps “Let me run you a bath and help you get cleaned up” he could leave once the celestial was safely tucked up in bed, he told himself, that would be easier. He took a long breath before he reached out to take the celestial by the wrist and lead him towards the bathroom being careful not to let him fall on the way.

When they got into the bathroom he turned on the tap and poured in some of the really nice smelling bath soap Han always kept, the smell always reminded him of the fallen star and it was slightly nostalgic for him. Eventually he spoke through the sound of the running water “You’re stronger than you think you are, you know” Jae spoke softly with a slight nod of his head “You never see it but….living the life you have and still getting up every day, that’s always been an inspiration to me” he knew Han would dismiss it as him just having survival instincts but Jae was trying to tell him that he didn’t think he was pathetic at all. In fact, he had always been quite in awe of the fallen star.

CelestialPermalink Reply by ✓ Hanseol Park on May 8, 2019 at 15:27

Hanseol wanted to move on, it wasn’t as if he wanted to do nothing else but to hold on to what’s left of their memories together inside his head but that’s exactly what he’s been doing for the past three weeks, rummaging through his stuff to find anything that’s related to Jae. He couldn’t count the times he pulled out the box he hid underneath the floorboards in his room, just next to his wardrobe. It wasn’t something that he was shameful of showing to anyone else, not that anyone except Jae and Yeon ever ventured to his place. Not even Phe has set a foot in his residence, surprisingly. Perhaps, one day he’ll be able to extend the same invitation he gave to his ex-boyfriend and Volakiri, to others. God knows how long he’s willing to coop into that shell of his.

Outside his shy and timid shell, Hanseol is a friendly and down to earth person. Once he likes you, there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you. The letters and photos, even up to the measly amount of polaroids the celestial managed to capture, were scattered in the box but it was somewhat arranged in a neat manner, not too neat but at least it’s orderly. The letters he received from the dhampir that expressed the love the latter had for him, written in ink and the smell of parchment filling his sense every time he unravels the envelopes one by one. He was careful not to let it get torn by his ‘aggressive’ manner sometimes. The shirts he’d smell because Jae left a few in his drawer. Hell, there’s even one of his handkerchiefs, specifically, the one Han remembered he had gifted the dhampir with, around late April. Hanseol sewed Jae’s name on the bottom of the handkerchief, in Hangul, no less. He even went as well to etch an arrow with a star just below it. Surprisingly, the dark-haired celestial could sew.

Seeing that Jae made no attempts to leave him, though Han wasn’t sure if that was simply due to him being a considerate person who does not wish to leave someone so helpless and hopeless drunk that is Hanseol Park lying around in the highway when he’s outside the eternal city’s border. Don’t be delusional, he reminded himself. Jae’s just there to look out, nothing personal. He’s a dhampir, he has an affinity to protect people that needed them which did cause him to emit a soft dry chuckle halfway because of the irony. He’s one of the people that needed protection and despite having a dhampir for a boyfriend, he pushed him away and made him feel incompetent on his skills while resorting to another person. He’s a dickhead. “Maybe you shouldn’t be the only one who cares… gosh what am I rambling about, I care what you think, not them.” Truthfully, that is what he meant. If he had to differentiate it, he cares more about what the people he cares about would think of him rather than the general public. After all, the fallen star has been striving to show the best in him. He wanted people around him to feel proud of how far he’s come and what he’s done. Hanseol Park needed constant supervision and care, that much people around him knew about.

Hearing Jae telling him he loved him, gives him a different feeling; a mixed one. Loved. There’s the past tense. The D letter he despised so much. “Loved…” he chuckled dryly once again, keeping his best effort to block the tears from falling. It hurts so much. Did Jae no longer love him? That was probably him overthinking things yet again but he couldn’t stop the aching pain in his heart. If this is what he needed to go through, then perhaps being injured physically would be a lot better. Regardless of his drunken state, Hanseol felt more alive than ever. Not physically, obviously. But since he was able to say everything he’s been holding back, it felt nice. He’s been truthful without any hint of wiles or detection of deceit anywhere in his words. Not that Jae would accept his words when he’s like this. It’s like a promise made of wine. Out of all the words, the dhampir spoke earlier, the one that he focused on was when he told him he wished to be his other half, his partner. The look in his eyes couldn’t be rectified, it’s hazy and now it’s blurry due to the tears. What did he do to deserve him? Because of how hard it hits him, the star couldn’t utter a single word out and remained stark silent. His eyes were enough to show how much he’s taking all of this into consideration, though.

How could he say them without ending up like a crying mess in front of Jae? He didn’t want to cry in front of him. “I needed you so bad… the times I wanted to reach out and pull you in my embrace, they were endless. I’m sorry that it took me this long and up to this line of measure for me to admit that. I should’ve told you when I had the chance, I should’ve let you know how much you mean to me and just how much I respect you when I had you in my arms. Now it feels futile and useless…” but is it really useless, Han? Against his own will, he forced himself to flutter his eyes open, even though it was half-lidded halfway through it since he is still very much sleepy and sleeping in Jae’s hold felt comfortable, the most he’s felt in those 3 weeks. Those 3 devastatingly painful weeks. Han couldn’t even handle the stench he’s emitting, much less the dhampir who’s carrying him who had enhanced senses. He’s given him enough burden tonight alone. The worst part of him felt his stomach sunk deep when he knew once he turns around, Jae would leave and then there’s no chance of him to sleep again unless he cries himself to sleep again, though that wouldn’t have done him any good since the star would eventually wake up afterward.

The moment he heard the dhampir call out his name, he was about to turn around and accept the call but before he could do so, he accidentally hit the wall in front of him. Ouch. Rubbing his forehead as he whimpered in pain, he did eventually, turn to face the dark-haired male standing not far from where he was at. He’s still going to stay? His heart lurched at this so much that he couldn’t help the smile that crept up. The celestial allowed him to drag him upstairs, only staring at the dhampir from behind in awe. He’s so strong to withstand this. “You don’t have to, you know… You’ve done so much this evening alone. I feel like I’m adding another unnecessary burden to you, Jae” he whispered softly but didn’t reject anything. When was the last time he had a proper warm bath? The time to recollect his thoughts? Watching as Jae set up the bath, his lips quivered slightly as he stared at the reflection of himself in the mirror, with one hand clutching his shirt. Was it right to undress?

“I’m nothing special, there’s plenty of people whose lives through tragic times like me, and they got up too. But… I am thankful to hear you say that” he spoke, not sparing a single glance at the male who’s currently running the bath while he took off his shirt and placed it on the sink. When his hand traveled to his belt, he could see the hesitation in his eyes. Was this right?

DhampirPermalink Reply by ✓ Jaesung Moon on May 9, 2019 at 14:24

For what most people would see as a short relationship, they had a lot of memories together, they spent so many evenings together, they really became an important part of one another’s lives, it felt weird for Jae to go home to an empty room alone. Since learning about Hanseol’s sleeping problems, that room had seen barely any attention at all because all he wanted to do was be with Han when he was there. Eventually, 3 or 4 nights a week became 6 or even 7 because he just wanted to wrap the star up in his arms and take away all worries of the world away. Perhaps that meant they had already practically moved in together, despite the fact it wasn’t official, Jae was spending far more time at the fallen star’s than he was at the dorm. The place had come to feel like a place he wanted to return to, so it was strange to not return there every night to him. To go back to his shoebox room and sleep alone instead.

He felt very conflicted about what he should or shouldn’t do in this situation, he’d never been through a break up before so he had no idea what was and wasn’t healthy. Even if it was wrong, it didn’t feel wrong to be here with Han. The dhampir felt like he needed some peace, because their last meeting had left him with a lot of questions about how the star really felt. Tonight had been eye-opening, seeing that Han was struggling just as much or perhaps even more than he was. He saw the look of hope in Hanseol’s eyes as they talked and he knew in his heart that he wanted this break to be over just as much as Jae did. He saw potential for them to find a way to fix this because Han had said himself that shutting Jae out had been a mistake. He knew those were just words and he would need more to believe they were true but it was a start, it gave him hope. Was it stupid to have hope? Possibly, because if this didn’t work out yet again, Jae wasn’t sure how he was going to hold it together, he was already struggling. Jae pressed his lips together when Han said he cared about what Jae thought, not anyone else “I don’t know how else I can tell you what I think about you Han” he sighed softly, it was clear words weren’t enough to convince him or he would have known there was nothing he could say that Jae wouldn’t be able to handle.

Jae hadn’t purposely said the word loved but he supposed his subconscious was trying to protect him by not giving too much of how he felt away, a defense mechanism because Han had been the reason he was hurting for the past three weeks. Of course, he still loved him, he wasn’t sure that feeling would ever fully go away. He’d seen writing about a first love before but he never really understood it til now, it felt like he would always have a connection to Hanseol, even if they parted ways he would always wonder about him and his life and it would still devastate him if something happened to him. Still, he saw the celestial’s reaction to the way he had phrased the word and knew he couldn’t take it back. He met his eyes for a moment and bit on his bottom lip to stop himself from crying. He hated that they had the ability to hurt one another so much like this. And yet he kept finding reasons to stay, reasons to hold on for just a little bit longer. They fell into silence with mutual longing for one another. Both teary and reminiscing over what they had, or at least that was what Jae was doing anyway.

When Han spoke up again Jae parted his lips, hearing the desperation in the celestial’s voice as he told Jae how he saw the situation, Jae wasn’t sure whether it made him feel better or worse that the star had thought about telling him and decided not to. Though he had already known that really, he’d seen moments where he’d caught the star off guard and he’d thought about it consciously before, like when he offered to go to Denver with him “I needed you too, not the half version of you, the real you” Jae had told him before who he saw as the real Han, the guy he loved beyond anything he’d ever known.

Was it useless thought? Was Jae going to be able to get past this and give him another chance? The dhampir didn’t really know right now, he hoped with every part of him that eventually, Han would be able to tell him these things without the truth sword over his head. He knew this was how he really felt but that didn’t prove that the celestial was ready to actually talk about it. Alcohol had a way of taking away the mind’s natural defenses after all “I have to ask Han” he spoke softly “What is it about you that you’re afraid I won’t like?” Jae pressed his lips together, he’d been trying to answer that question for 3 weeks now, why hide things? What wouldn’t Jae be able to handle? He was mad about Yeon and it would take some time to adjust but he could swallow his feelings in the name of protecting Han “I can handle you having a Volakiri, I could try and get to know him” he bit his lip “He kinda acted like an asshole but if you say he’s a good person then I trust you” he realized he was talking like this would really happen and sucked in a breath, stopping himself from talking anymore.

Jae saw the smile that came across the celestial’s face when he realized the dhampir was going to stay and for a moment he forgot about everything else and smiled too, the first genuine one he’d given all night. It wasn’t even intentional but he couldn’t stop himself, he’d missed that smile so badly, he had pictured it in his mind every night when he went to sleep, so bright and beautiful. Hearing Han speak about not having to stay Jae nodded his head “I know” he spoke softly, this was him being a little bit weak. Giving into the heart over the head for a little bit longer. He knew he should have left but he couldn’t bring himself to regret wanting to stay either. “I want to make sure you’re okay before I go, I promised you I’d be there for you when you went drinking and while it’s not in the way I pictured” he sighed softly “Just let me, okay” Han was his weakness, probably always would be.

He was so busy getting the bath ready that he hadn’t even thought about the whole undressing part until he turned around to see Han shirtless. He sucked in a long breath, right. This was going to be difficult. He didn’t say anything about it and just responded to the star’s comment “I hate how you always put yourself down” he spoke softly as he turned off the tap and stepped around the male dropping to sit on the floor behind the bath and gesturing that it was okay to go ahead with getting in, his eyes remained on the patterned tiles in front of him. He would have waited outside but with all the slipping and tripping Han had been doing he was a little concerned about leaving him with a body of water.

Instead of making a big deal about it he rolled his shoulders and continued talking “How did the opening go?” he asked as he leaned his head against the side of the bath and closed his eyes for a moment. He was almost scared to ask that question because he wasn’t sure he was going to like the answer to that question.

CelestialPermalink Reply by ✓ Hanseol Park on May 9, 2019 at 19:06

4 months could be seen as the a short period or the other way around. For Hanseol, those 4 months gave him so much happiness that it didn't matter how short-lived it was. But that's also another thing because the celestial didn't find the time short neither was it wasteful. Every second was cherished preciously and he could recall every single moment without amiss. It's been established plenty of times before, something that even he shared with his boyfriend when they were still together. Every night, curled up against one another, hands over each other as they embraced their bodies together, fingers entangled with their own and how the warmth radiated off them following their body contact. There was one particular thing Han would never cease to remind Jae; he remembers.

He has a wide range of memory restoration and keeping. With the exception of his memories about his previous life before he crashed down in the river near the Buk District in Busan, the dark-haired celestial could recall moments from his crash and forward. From the moment he met his father and mother, up until the moment he first laid eyes on Jaesung Moon, at the park when the latter tripped on him. He decided that fate had something in store for him but never had he thought being granted the company of someone like Jae, was one of it. His brown mocha hues, one is monolid while the other is double-lidded. It made him unique, it's one of the other things he noticed about the dhampir. Every moment they spent together, from the first time they met and began the start of their pure friendship, to a beautiful relationship once both found love in each other. Maybe to Jae, it wasn't love. Or perhaps, it was. He's not sure.

But for Hanseol, it is love, there was no other explanation for what he feels. Maybe Jae is his first love, and naivety could not be avoided for someone like him but even he wasn't that daft not to know how to differentiate what is and what's not. He knows he loves him and everything they had was real. While he wanted more of that, which was unfortunately no longer possible due to their current circumstances, he could dream. The only person for Hanseol Park is Jaesung Moon. No one else is able to occupy that empty space in his heart, he wasn't even sure if he even had one anymore seeing as the dhampir stole it the first time. So no, he didn't want to move on. He'll stay where he is, waiting for the day to come when he'll be able to talk to Jae again, to befriend him again, as much as that hurts since Han knew all he wanted to do is to be more than friends. But if that is all that he might get, he's not going to be picky over trivial stuff like that. As long as he gets to grace Jae's life. That's it.

Instead of shoving him away like he did to everyone, even to Yeon, around a week ago, he wanted to pull him into a hug instead. Keeping his hands to himself was hard enough, imagine having to restrain himself from launching himself into yet another hug and perhaps even steal a kiss and risk being slapped. “Don't say it then… I would love to hear your views and opinions, Jae. Your voice alone is soothing… but I know you saying them would hurt a part of you too. Don't torture yourself anymore because of me, that's the worst thing that could ever happen to me.” For all he knows, Hanseol deeply cares regarding his health and well-being. “I'm sorry you have to go through all this trouble trying to get me out of this stupid insecurity shell. I don't think I'm strong enough to set myself free of it just yet. But one day I will… I-” pausing briefly while he collected himself. “I'm sure of it.” This was the first time he had sworn an oath to himself to be better and step out of his comfort zone for the sake of Jae. If he had any hopes of at least making the dhampir smile, then he'll take it.

Some would say Han would end up being that stalkerish ex-boyfriend who couldn't move on even after a while but he knew better. Of course, he would look after the people he cares and loves. It's his duty. If he won't look out for them, who would? While the word loved rung in his ears, Han didn't stop himself from saying what he wanted to say. Those three words. “I love you… forever and always.” It came off as a barely audible whisper but fortunately, everyone heard. How he wished he's sober and not drunk right now, then perhaps then Jae would take him words seriously instead of sparing pitiful glances his way. How did a couple who loved each other so much end up being the best weapons in hurting one another? I need the real you, that's what Jae said and the fallen star bit his bottom lip, sighing heavily as the thought of it. Of course, he did. “What's the difference now, anyway? I opened it a little bit too late, things won't be the same anymore. I know that. But to hear that you're still waiting for that guy, it gives me hope,” it wasn't as truthful as he phrased it but Han really did feel better just by hearing it.

People having faith in him, he's heard of it more than once or twice but the one coming from Jae meant a thousand times better. The question came and it felt like his world cracked into half. This was one of the most dreaded questions he ever wanted to receive but he couldn't find it in him to deny Jae this. No, he deserves to hear it. How would he trust him if he continues to lie even after all of this? “I knew you'd ask this one day… I never thought it would come so early,” he chuckled dryly, clearing his throat a few times lightly before resuming. “when I was locked away… things weren't good for me. I never told you that. Yeah, I told you how lonely and butter I felt during the captivity. But I never relayed the full part of the story.” A huge wave of shame washes over him. “There was a period of time where I was so hateful over everything and hated life. I was bitter with people, I was… vengeful. That goes against every principles I had” When he spoke of that, he knew Jae would get the indication that he meant for he was not able to harm a living soul, purposely, going through that dark period of his life that eventually morphed and changed him into another person's that he's kept buried and chained inside, really traumatized him. It made him feel like a hypocrite. What was stopping for that guy to come out again?

“I don't want you to see that side of me. No, it's not even me… but it's me at the same time. I hate it. And I don't want you to come near it. It represents everything that is bad about me.” It's only natural for Han to feel that bad. After all, he wants to show the best example to everyone else and if he had a part of himself that he's struggling to understand with, what's stopping anything, anymore? Hearing that Jae was even willing to get to know Yeon, the idea of having both his favorite people coexist sounded too good to be true, though it doesn't mean he doesn't want that to happen. “He is… I just hoped you two would have met in a different circumstance instead. I'm sorry, Jae… for the pain I've caused and is still causing.” There was no stopping him from apologizing, especially when the celestial is already neck deep in tears swimming in his eyes. He's upset with himself. Clearly, that's an understatement.

Jaesung Moon is someone he never wanted to let go of, not even if the strings of fate would go in between them. Then with all due respect, he would sever it himself if he wants, and tie a new and much more beautiful knot. Much like how a flower wilts but another bloomed afterward. “You're too kind… you've always been so kind.” And this time, it wasn't meant in any negativity way, just Hanseol properly expressing his gratitude, with a tender look flashing in his doe-like hues. It felt like he's falling in love with him over again. “It's not your fault… so don't blame yourself. I chose to drink by myself” To forget this happened, sure, but as good as that sounds, he would never find it in him to actually erase all of that. Jae is a part of him, erasing him would have been erasing a part of himself. At first, he was slightly hesitant to undo his belt and get into the bathtub for his long-awaited warm bath. Especially when Jae is there but everything else went out the window as he slowly discarded the last piece of clothing and got inside. The blush was present though, there is a faint pinkish hue tainting his bunny cheeks as he averted his gaze to meet Jae's dark orbs instead. Oh, he could get lost in those eyes, any day.

“I'm not good at self-cheering, you know that” he murmured softly, his hand was about to touch his but halted halfway because he remembered he wasn't supposed to do that. Respect the boundaries, he said. His heart wrenched at the sudden mention of the opening. Jae would be so disappointed once he heard about that. Nibbling his bottom lip nervously, he fiddled with his fingers briefly before deciding to spill the beans. “There was no opening… it never happened. I… um, postponed it,” There. “I couldn't handle opening it after everything. You helped me with it and now opening it without you, feels weird and empty. I don't find the joy in officiating the place anymore.” Passion was everything for Han, that's why he's a painter; an artist. Once he loses that, he feels like everything else is dull and has no meaning. He promised to live this life for himself and what's a life without passion? Or... What's a life without his dhampir? 

DhampirPermalink Reply by ✓ Jaesung Moon on May 10, 2019 at 7:06

A lot of people told Jae he was young and naive, that they knew better than him about what he should do with his life. His teachers, his parents, even his siblings somethings. But there had always been a part of Jae that knew himself, knew he was going to be more than just this perfect picture his parents laid out for him. Ever since he was young he had been fighting them back on their ideals, challenging the way everyone thought and acted. He didn’t understand the lack of tolerance there was back home, perhaps a part of him had always known he was nothing like them. After coming here 8 months ago, he had found a version of himself that felt so true and right. Hanseol had been a big part of that, made him realize that his feelings went far beyond what was considered ‘normal’ back home. His study had been another, his passion only growing deeper since he started university in Evermore and had someone support his dream so wholly and relentlessly.

Jae looked up at Hanseol and he swore he could almost see the temptation to pull in close in his eyes, he’d seen that look so many times before, Hanseol was a tactile person like Jae was, he enjoyed being held and the significance of touches. His favorite thing to do was lift Jae’s hand and kiss it softly, if he closed his eyes, Jae could picture the feeling of it so easily because it was so familiar and welcome to him. “It’s not saying it that’s hard” he spoke softly trying to understand the way he felt inside and put it into words “I just…” he choked a little over the words “I’m just not sure anything I say will change anything for you” he spoke softly, his eyes averting as he let that truth sit for a moment before he explained “I have told you every way I know how that I want all of you and yet I still find myself on the edge, never quite getting the full picture” Jae just felt like there wasn’t anything he could do to change that at this point. His eyes returned to Han’s as he spoke about being able to break his shell though. He really wished he would find a way to break it, not even for his own selfish reasons but because the celestial would find himself very alone one day if he didn’t find a way to do so and Jae hated the thought of Han alone.

Jae heard the whispered words Han spoke and he honestly felt like his heart stopped right then and there for a moment, he’d heard it so many times before but he felt utterly stunned this time. Jae parted his lips as if he wanted to say something but he just felt so incredibly speechless his heartbeat doubling in his chest. The way he promised it as though it was something that would go on forever, regardless of how things turned out for them both, that’s what really struck him. After all the pain the two of them went through they still loved each other. So much. His eyes welled with tears but this time he made no effort to hide it, in fact, he looked the fallen star in the eye “I think that’s the hardest part” he admitted as he bit down on his lip and a tear rolled down his cheek “I wanted to stop loving you because then maybe this wouldn’t hurt so much but I can’t” he reached up to wipe at his face with his sleeve. God, he was such an emotional wreck this evening and he hadn’t even been the one drinking. The way Han said that what Jae told him gave him hope and hinted the question of why they couldn’t be together made him sigh as he pressed his lips together “I’m sorry, I…” he paused “I can’t do this while you’re like this, I don’t even know if you’re gonna remember any of this in the morning” from the state he was in and the smell of alcohol, he suspected not.

Jae had always been the kind of person who didn’t want to pry things from people, always figured if they wanted him to know then they would tell him. That just didn’t work so well with Hanseol because the star was the kind of person to bury his problems rather than try to handle them and eventually that had led to an implosion. Jae just didn’t push, he hated feeling like he was burdening someone by making them talk about something they didn’t want to but there was only so long he could watch Han pile himself with problems. Jae remained quiet as the celestial talked about the things he thought that Jae wouldn’t be able to handle, no surprises that it linked back to the time he spent locked up. The dhampir had always known that time bothered Han far more than he let on, how could it not when he spent more years locked up than he had actually lived. Jae’s eyes glistened with tears a little as he finally got to hear the truth, the part of Han that the other male locked away behind closed doors.

Jae took in the information and processed it before he spoke “We all have parts of ourselves we don’t like and we all have things we’ve done in the past that we wish we could take back, we all get overtaken by our emotions” he ran a hand through his hair and then leaned it against his cheek “How could you not be changed by something like that happening to you?” Jae spoke and bit gently on his bottom lip “I would have been, I would have wanted to rip every single one of them to shreds” that was shameful to admit but Jae’s temper ran deep. “Not only that but you’re claustrophobic, they quite literally held you in your worst nightmare for years” Jae was actually tearing up at the thought of it, he did every time he thought of what Han went through. “It’s okay to be angry and to hate them Han and I know that’s not the person you want to be but sometimes the person you are isn’t exactly what you hope to be” it made sense now, why Han might have the tendency to shut people out. People had let him down in the worst way and the cynical part of him expected everyone else to as well.

Jae still hated the thought of that blond having his lips anywhere near his fallen star but now he’d had time to calm down and process everything, he was much more rational about the situation they were in. Protection of that level for a celestial, it could quite literally be the difference between life and death and there was nothing Jae wanted more than for Hanseol to live. Even if they weren’t together he wanted to see the star succeed, he wanted to see that passion take him as far as it would go. He wanted him to have everything he ever dreamed of. “I know you are” Jae responded to his apology, if tonight had convinced him of anything it was that Han regretted what had happened. Jae believed him when he said he was sorry and that he was hurt. Seeing the celestial crying made him want to reach out and wipe away his tears but instead, he stayed his hand, sitting beside the bathtub instead.

Jae took the compliment with a slight nod of his head, Jae always put others before himself, always had, probably always would. It was just a part of who he was, he couldn’t feel at peace unless he knew someone was safe and well. That only increased tenfold with Han because he cared about him so deeply. Jae met his eyes, they were soft and sweet, so familiar to the dhampir who was so used to losing himself in that look. The loving gaze Han reserved only for him. “I know it’s not my fault but I still couldn’t forgive myself if you hurt yourself because of this” he spoke his truth as he laid his head against the porcelain tub. Han got into the water and sat down beside him. Jae looked up at him, meeting his doe-like hues for a moment. Then Jae closed his as he leaned there just taking in the strange moment they were in.

His eyes remained closed as he laid there, he was so exhausted, he hadn’t been sleeping right since the two of them parted and while he had managed to get the bare minimum, it was slowly chipping away at his sanity. He was just taking in the moment to rest, the soft smell of the bath soap familiar to him and the warm steam making the whole room feel comfortable. He wasn’t surprised when Han said he postponed the opening but it did make his heart sink a little in his chest. “You worked really hard on it” Jae murmured softly as he thought about all the late hours they had spent trying to get it done in time. But he understood. If his passion wasn’t behind it then it was better to wait until it was “Do you think that it’ll come back? The joy?” he asked softly. Maybe he was asking whether he thought they could fix things in some way. He wanted to hear what the celestial thought about it.

Jae opened his eyes and looked back at Han with a lazy gaze, it was evident now, the toll that three weeks without the person he loved most had on him “You already smell much better” he admitted with a soft laugh “Alcohol isn’t a good scent on you baby” he paused the moment he spoke that, biting his inner cheek as he realized what his tiredness had just done. Fuck. Exposed again.

CelestialPermalink Reply by ✓ Hanseol Park on May 11, 2019 at 6:41

For the longest time in his life, Han has never known the act of kindness. Surprisingly, yes. The small years he was able to hold on to shortly before his imprisonment, he had spent them running away from bounty hunters here and there. There wasn’t a place he could go without being targeted in that same day. His entire life has been about running and when he finally didn’t have to do that, he was relieved. The thoughts of starting anew in a city that’s peaceful and had diversity in the supernatural world, co-existing with the humans alike, that was a confirmation that perhaps the world has decided to give him another chance. Why didn’t they find the city sooner? No, why didn’t they find the right people sooner? There was no point in reminiscing the bitter past anyway, so Hanseol got rid of it. Or at least, that’s what he told others and himself. Clearly, it wasn’t as easy as it is being said, regarding erasing the figments of memory shards inside your head.

Meeting Jae had been the biggest blessing in his life, he found someone he loved and one who loved him back, what else could he possibly ask for more? Other than the affection and love he would give him? The celestial is quite literally ready to give everything up for the dhampir, whenever and whatever he would ask for him because the only person and thing that matters in the very end, was Jaesung Moon. He can go anywhere if that meant he’ll have Jae as his companion. That was when he compared both their lives together, Jae’s life and his own, they were counterparts of each other. Jae lived a somewhat comfortable life, he had family that loves him, but at the same time, he felt as if he didn’t belong there due to the difficulties and obstacles he faced while searching for himself. Han has been alone for his entire lifetime, knowing nothing more than a brief moment of closure with a few others that lasted no longer than 24 hours, unfortunately. But seemingly, the two of them has been searching for their own identities.

Hanseol was able to exploit more of his advantages and abilities due to Jae, who had become his personal cheerleader, supporting the star from the sidelines and managed him while doing so. No amount of thanks could ever be given to Jae for that alone, let alone the times the dhampir spent with him, loving him at every step of the way. A part of him wondered what has he given Jae that matches up to what he has given Han. His hands told him to wrap itself around Jae but he couldn’t bring himself to do that, even though his drunken state certainly did warrant him into thinking ‘illogically’. The last thing the celestial wanted to do was make everything worse, especially when he knew the moment he wakes up tomorrow, he’s not going to remember any of this. “That’s where you’re wrong, Jae… anything you say changes everything for me. But I’m not sure if you’re talking about my condition in this relationship of ours, where we currently stand and whatnot, or if you’re talking if I will change my views towards you” a heaved sigh escaped his lips as he leaned against the wall and stared at the ceiling above them momentarily.

“You’re always going to be my number 1, that will never change.” Maybe he did damage a few things that held their memories together due to frustration but it’ll never change the fact that Jaesung Moon will continue to be his number 1 through everything else. “Do you want me to open myself to you? Of course, you do, what kind of a stupid question is that Han,” he scolded himself before tilting his head to the side to meet Jae’s gaze. “If I tell you I’m ready to open the doors wholly now, would that change anything between us? Would you love me still even if you find a part of me that everyone else frowned upon? I don’t care about others, I care what you think, so tell me that now so I can prepare myself for another impending heartbreak,” it’s sad how Hanseol thought Jae would still be surprised to accept his other self, but mostly due to the fact that the celestial couldn’t accept it on first hand. If he couldn’t handle it, could others? Han had no doubt that the love they had for each other is stronger than what he gave credit for, he told himself that Jae still loves him, secretly. Even if it was just a sliver of it, then that’s fine.

It’s what served Hanseol as his glimmer of hope, and he’s known enough disappointments not to be so hopeful anymore. But it’s Jae, how can he give up so easily? No, how can he even think about giving up? He didn’t mean to make the other male sad and prompt tears but now that he’s witnessing that exact scene before him, his heart wrenched. Why does Jae keep showing off traits that Han still stood a chance at winning him back? It was making everything more difficult. Those tears meant Jae still loves him, he’s sure of it. And his assumptions were proven correct when the dhampir talked how hard it’s been because he still loves him. A frown creased his features when Jae stopped halfway and told him he wasn’t going to continue because Han wouldn’t remember a thing the next morning. He supposed there is some truth to it so the fallen star didn’t refute anything. Why did this happen to them? He only ever wanted to be happy with the person he loved but knew it was impossible when his remaining problems are being buried instead of being spilled.

He just didn’t know it would end in 4 months. Their official relationship might have lasted a little over 4 months but their friendship didn’t. Their friendship started late last year and even though they didn’t kiss until this year to initiate it, Hanseol has been harboring feelings for the dhampir ever since then. Due to his inexperienced self, of course, the celestial had no idea it was love. He’s never experienced it other than a mother’s love, remember? “It would’ve been easier if I said I accepted that part of me, that I forgave myself for it because it was somewhat, what you called ‘justified and understandable’ but I don’t. I continue to hate it until today,” it would’ve been easier, indeed. “I wasn’t supposed to be vengeful, I promised I would never change no matter how hard the world tests me while I was busy running. It’s hard but it’s what kept my identity intact. If I could change because of that, what’s stopping from this happening in the future? I made an oath to myself, to never go through that painful process of searching for myself ever again.” Looking up to meet Jae’s dark hues, staring into them longingly with a broken look encasing himself. A look deeper in his own hues and Jae can see how that period of time really wrecked him.

“I found you. I knew I didn’t have to be alone anymore. I don’t want to be hateful, it’s not just a rendition version I didn’t want you to see, but I don’t like it either. I’m afraid one day, that side will be triggered and I’ll hurt others around me, this time because I have no cages to keep me subdued, nothing to tie me down” admitting his dark thoughts to Jae was hard but it was something he needed to do hence this. “I don’t want to be angry… it doesn’t feel like right. It doesn’t feel good” slowly the tears welled up, threatening to spill had he blinked. “I’m naive to all of that, I’m still learning, but imagine me succumbing to my dark thoughts when I was supposed to hold on to hope? I broke my own promise to myself, Jae… when you do that, it stabs you relentlessly.” Just like how he broke another promise by hurting Jae. His claustrophobia admittedly grew worse due to his years of captivity and the thought of it caused him to clutch his heart instinctively, breathing calmly as moderate as he could. While he undressed earlier, he had brushed his teeth and washed his mouth at least 4 times unconsciously because he was nervous to think about undressing so there was only a small portion of whiskey still tainting his mouth. His gaze averted from the dhampir’s dark hues, transferring it to his hands instead, the ones that were holding on the ceramic porcelain bathtub. So close yet so far.

One of his most favorite things to do was to bring it up to his lips and kiss them tenderly, showing just how much he loves him with one kiss only that wasn’t meant for the dhampir’s lips. There’s plenty of ways one can showcase their affection and this was one of his signature moves. His hands looked prettier from the last time, slender and firm, even though he knew those were the same ones that punched the wall in that alley, 3 weeks ago. He had witnessed how it bled afterward and while it worried him to no end, he knew with the accelerated healing the dhampir possessed, it would heal. It still doesn’t change the fact that he knew such a thing was possible, and that it was caused indirectly by him. When Jae closed his eyes, his gaze fell on the dhampir’s lips, causing the celestial to grumble uncomfortably since he had to control himself, and he did so, by distancing himself a bit. Han knew he wasn’t the only one having troubles sleeping, Jae seemed deprived of it too and he felt even more guilty that he called him out here tonight when the dhampir was probably sleeping. “We worked hard on it. If you weren’t going to be there with me during the opening, what’s the point” he also didn’t tell Jae regarding the wing that he named especially, commemorating the dhampir’s significance in his growth.

“I think if we put our minds to it, there’s nothing that is impossible. It was supposed to be us against the world, initially, no?” the whimper evoked from the star halfway in his sentence made Han sigh. “I don’t think the joy will come back,” he leaned his head against the tub, facing the dhampir, with only a few meters away to keep their distance. “Because it never left.” Following the chuckle from Jae, Han giggled softly, running his hand on the water soaking his body. “I always smell good, you said so…” he teased, but then again, so did Jae. It was precisely the reason why he always made sure to bury his head on the nook of his neck frequently. The endearment term that slipped out though, that made his doe-like hues widen. Did he hear that right? From the looks of how Jae reacted afterward, he did hear that. Without any hesitation holding him back, Han closed the distance between them when he leaned in, pressing his lips against the dhampir.

DhampirPermalink Reply by ✓ Jaesung Moon on May 11, 2019 at 11:23

One night. One night was all it had taken to completely undo every bit of progress he had made on moving on. Here he was, completely at the celestial’s beck and call and the worst part was Han didn’t have to ask him to do it. There was no point denying the power the celestial had over him anymore, he always came running at the very sight of danger. Jae wasn’t sure how to feel about it all, whether he should be happy because he was finally getting the truths he’d been asking for, for so long, sad because the fact they came while the celestial was drunk meant it wouldn’t change much between them, disappointed with himself for not having the will to stay away or just...utterly consumed by his love for Hanseol. It was there, it was always there, Jae couldn’t see it ever fully going away. Loving Han was a part of him now, what they had built, that could never be truly erased, especially in three weeks.

Over the past few weeks, he’d been telling himself that he needed to move on, that it was the only way he was going to be able to rebuild his life and still keep who he was without being forced to run back home to his parents. Together or not, Jae didn’t want to go home, he didn’t want to have his parents rub it in his face, tell him that his dreams were a phase he’d grow out of like they always did. He knew they were waiting for him to crack and he refused to do so, no matter how much that stupid dorm didn’t feel like home because he knew his true home was with the fallen star. Looking up at Han he heard him talk about how his words changed everything but Jae just couldn’t bring himself to believe it, because if he’d truly believed Jae when he said he loved him, he would have known Jae would never turn his back on him for parts of who he truly was. “I’m not sure either” Jae admitted as he bit his lip “I just wish you’d understand that there was someone out there who would never turn their back on you” he nodded “Even when they’re furious at you” he was here after all, wasn’t he. There was no other way to explain it.

Jae’s eyes were faltering as he looked back at Han, hearing him talk about how he felt ready to open himself up, practically begging Jae to tell him that would fix things between them. Would it? Maybe it would. Maybe if he heard these truths coming from Han while he was sober he would finally feel like it was enough to believe things would get better and not worse. Some might call him an idiot for feeling that way considering Han had told him no more lies before and that was exactly what had happened again but Jae was weak for him. He would grab onto any shred of hope that meant they might get to stay together. But on the other side, he wasn’t sure he could take the fallout if he was made the fool again. He could see Han was waiting for him to answer but it wasn’t just a simple yes or no for him, nothing about this was simple. “I don’t know” he admitted as he pressed his lips together “I’ve heard those words before Han and they turned out to be a lie” he sucked in a breath “I told you I could handle all of you and I can, but I don’t know if I can take my heart out and give it to you again after the damage done” he’d given the benefit of the doubt once and it had bitten him harshly.

That was his constant conflict now, things were never going to go back to the way they were, not completely because Han had lied to him and broken a small part of his trust in the process. Maybe Jae would be able to patch that hole if he truly believed it was the last time, maybe they would be able to build something even better than the first time. Or maybe Han would tell him he’d open up and he would for a little while and then something else would spook him and he’d shut Jae out again and they’d come full circle to this heartbreak. He wanted to be optimistic, god he wanted things to work because it was killing him, this time apart. Not being able to hold him or tell him everything he was feeling. He felt all the more conflicted seeing Han tonight, seeing the state he got himself in because of the pain he was feeling inside. Feeling the compulsion to be close to him but knowing it wouldn’t be right to take advantage in this situation and having no idea if this was the liquor talking or how the star actually felt..

People told him 4 months was a short relationship but to him it was so much more than that, they had known each other since late last year and while Jae had been in denial about his feelings for Hanseol at first, he’d had them for much longer than the time they became official, Hanseol had been the first friend he made here in Evermore, then he became his first relationship and first love. He was so significant to the dhampir so no one could tell him it was just a short 4-month relationship. He refused to let anyone disrespect what they had like that. Jae was finally getting answers though, finally understanding what it was that Han felt he needed to keep under wraps. “Han” he spoke softly as he looked at him “You could never change that much” he was adamant in this, he knew the celestial so well, he knew so many little things about him, about what made him tick. He felt like he knew the star better than himself sometimes “And if you did then I’d have been there to remind who you really are” he’d promised to protect him, that didn’t just mean physically, it meant being his tether when dark thoughts took over, it meant boosting him up in the hardest time. Looking back in his eyes he saw the broken look there and sighed softly. He hated that the world could do this to people, keep pushing on them until they felt like they lost themselves completely.

He got feeling like you were someone you weren’t though, Jae felt that way whenever he lost his temper and it overtook him in a way he felt like he couldn’t control. It had been Han that had managed to snap him out of it that night after he was bailed out of jail, his voice speaking directly to the dhampir who was fighting against the rage. He also understood Han’s fears of doing someone he’d regret if he gave over to that side of him. Jae just wanted to wrap him up in his arms and assure him that he’d never let that happen to him and that he’d fight with everything he had to make sure he kept hold of the person he was. Because as much as Han seemed to think there were two individual sides to him, Jae knew things weren’t that simple. He could tell this whole hiding and lying thing, that was directly linked to his fears to trust people, because all he’d ever known was people letting him down and part of him would always expect that to happen again. “You had me” he spoke softly, maybe that didn’t mean anything to Han but Jae would have fought with everything he had to hold onto the person he knew Han truly was. He was a good person, Jae knew that, he’d seen that in all the little things he did, in the quiet moments when they talked about their hopes and dreams, their future together. Did he have weaknesses? Of course, he did but those didn’t have to define him “You wouldn’t have been alone” he spoke again. Even now Jae couldn’t leave the star to be alone, when he knew that he should.

Watching as Han’s eyes traveled down to his hands Jae twitched them absentmindedly, they had healed now, but if you looked really closely on his right hand’s knuckles you could see the smallest hint of a star that wouldn’t fade. A reminder of the pain he went through that day which would always be there. He dropped his hands to his sides a little ashamed to let the celestial see them because of it. His anger was still a part of him he would always hate, it made him reckless and at times dangerous and without Han being his anchor he didn’t know how to stop himself from giving over to it. The number of times he had screamed into his pillow out of pure frustration since then was immeasurable. Jae closed his eyes, feeling the exhaustion slowly working its way through his system, he felt run down and out of energy “The point was that it was your dream Han, helping animals, that’s your passion” sure he’d help, but this was Han’s thing, it was something he was supporting and proud of.

The us against the world dream, that was something Jae had always wanted, a partner he felt like he could take on the world with, someone who would be his equal, his greatest strength and greatest weakness. The one person who could simply take away all his pain with nothing but a smile. Han was his person, he was sure of that. But he wasn’t sure he was Han’s in return “Supposed to be, yeah” he responded, how could he be when Han pushed him out of those important moments though, hell, he hadn’t even gotten to see the clinic in Denver because Han had been so hell-bent on keeping him away from Yeon. That laughter though, the ringing giggle that came from Han’s lips as he laughed at what Jae said. It took him right back to the first night they met, hearing that laugh for the first time and knowing he’d found someone he could truly open himself to. He never thought he’d end up loving Hanseol more than the earth itself then but he remembered that laugh so clearly.

As Jae opened his eyes realizing how easily he fell into old habits he heard the swishing of the water around Hanseol’s body and with widened eyes felt Han’s lips pressed up against his. Jae made a soft whimpering noise as he trembled against the touch, it felt wrong to kiss him like this but then it felt so right too. So easy to lose himself in the nostalgia and the familiar touch of the man he loved. Jae returned the kiss but it was a soft and affectionate one, enough to tell the celestial that he still loved him but this wasn’t right. If they were going to do this, he wanted it with the sober and full version of him. It lasted about 10 seconds before he pulled away not letting the celestial deepen it any more. He stared at him like he was ashamed and maybe he was, it had been so easy to give himself to him like that “I’m sorry I should...I should go” he spoke as he quickly pushed himself to his feet and went through the door out into the bedroom. He knew he should leave and stop torturing himself like this but instead he ended up pacing back on the floor wondering what the hell he should do. He didn’t know what he wanted and his feelings were playing games with his mind and he was so damn tired he didn’t know what to think.

Just as he was about to dash through the door it opened on its own and Jae's eyes fell on Yeontan who had forced his way into the bedroom and excitedly came to skitter around Jae's feet. The moment he saw the little pup Jae dropped to the floor, curling his knees to his chest as the puppy hopped into his lap and gave a whine. Jae sobbed as he buried his face in Yeontan's fur, his whole body shaking as he cried. He kept telling himself he should leave and yet he kept finding reasons to stay, kept holding onto hope no matter how pathetic or stupid that made him. 

CelestialPermalink Reply by ✓ Hanseol Park on May 11, 2019 at 18:32

He couldn't fathom the feeling of loss inebriated inside him. He felt like he was trapped in his own vessel, fighting a fight with his own self that he knew he couldn't win. His head has been a place compiling the latest memories he had on the dhampir, his dhampir, or at least, he used to be his. Now, he's supposedly ‘single’, since he's no longer tied down by a relationship rope that Han proudly wears around his wrist every time they went anywhere. Their relationship was purely derived from each other's happiness and joy, which was no surprise that Hanseol flaunted it proudly without having to hide a single thing about it. But now, there's no more of that to go around. For starters, he didn't have a boyfriend anymore. He didn't have a person to look forward to kissing and hugging every time he got off from work.

He no longer had all of those things anymore. What he did have, was himself. His utterly hopeless lonesome self who's becoming increasingly self-destructive as time passes by. Not even Yeon could get to him for this past 3 weeks that went by, he paid no attention to Byul nor Yeontan. His sleeping pills became his company and after hurting his hand, he could no longer find the passion and strength to paint again. Sure, he could sketch, he could draw the outline, he had no problem conducting all of that, but one thing was missing from an artist's mind; passion. Hanseol no longer felt passionate enough to paint, what used to be a canvas where he expressed himself is now a stark blank one that held the same sorrowful appearance as the owner. Loving Jae was all that he knew to do, no, it's what he does best. Pushing aside his talents in other things, from healing and treating animals, or paint, loving Jaesung Moon is what he could do without a doubt in his mind. All he needed to do was pour his affection and attention on the dhampir. That alone was more than enough to cause his heart to flutter. A room reserved for the butterflies is now dormant and empty when once it used to be so colorful.

What had happened to Hanseol? But then again, what is Hanseol Park without his Jaesung? What is this dark-haired celestial without his protector and lover? He meant every word he said to Jae tonight, every single bit of it but unfortunately, the celestial is still very much drunk and is not fully sober, so it was only right that the dhampir would hesitate and doubt the authenticity of his words. Why did he have to get drunk tonight? Oh right, initially it was because he didn't want to feel bad about himself on his birthday night, of all nights of the year. For once, he wanted to feel needed and loved again, which Jae no doubt showed it to him despite everything he's done to him. Their life was beautiful, everything was well, it was magical in every way, but he just had to jeopardize it and thus, ruining it before it even soared to new heights in the middle of their relationship. Will he know what it feels like to be elated whenever Jae is enthusiastic, ever again?

Jae's words brought a message that urged Han to feel good about himself. To have someone who would never turn their backs on you, that sounds so comforting it was beginning to make his heart melt at the warmthness. “I obviously didn't notice… or I did notice, but I was too preoccupied with my other worries, so much I didn't see what's right in front of me. It's a mistake, a horrible not worth it kind of mistake” how he wished he could take it all back. Admittedly, his heart dropped when Jae admitted he wasn't sure about the change in things, or if it would shift anything between them. They're in a dilemma plane right now, and neither has seemed to find the right answer to things yet. He was practically sending out a plea for help to Jae, telling him his worst fears of being known by the people he cares about, what bothered him, and above everything else, begging the dhampir to tell him if there was anything sliver of hope left to save their relationship. Unfortunately, much to his chagrin, he didn't receive an answer. A response? Sure. An answer? No.

“Stop… saying you don't know, god dammit. I can't stand hearing that anymore… it's like painfully ringing in my ears nonstop” he scowled, almost snapping at the poor dhampir just because he felt aggravated by the choice of words Jae was wearing. “I'm sorry… I just can't keep hearing that. It makes me feel like there's nothing to look forward to because there's none waiting for me” his gaze fell to the ground as he sighed heavily. This was a lot harder than he expected, but then again, was he expecting any less? If that wasn't enough, Jae's next words send another arrow straight into his heart, burying its sharp end into his already fragile and frail heart. Why does he keep torturing both himself and Jae when he knows the answer already? “Then you simply don't,” it surprised him to hear that he possessed the strength to say it outloud. “if you know you can't do that, don't say the opposite, Jae. It'll be easier if you just tell me to fuck off.” No, that's the worst choice of words Jae can ever throw his way, he exclaimed internally. But it remained inside him only.

“My worst fear is being hated by the person I love. But you know what else I'm afraid of? Being hopeful. I've been let down because of that measly thing my entire life. Every time I tried to be hopeful, I'm attacked with the sour end. I wanted to believe that there is hope for us because I know we're stronger than this, but it's hard when-,” his breathing halted momentarily as he staggered on his steps. All the pressure settled inside him, compressing the air that was inside his lungs, making it harder for him to speak without losing too much air. It was like him having a panic attack all over again. “tell me I'm not stupid to have hope that I can get you back again. Tell me that I'm not being delusional for wanting to build a life with you. You may as well say it now, Jae because I can't take anymore of false hopes feeding off me.” By the time he's said those words, he's already sniffling with tears streaming down his cheeks. At the end of the day, Hanseol is just a child in an adult vessel wanting to grow, but needed proper supervision to monitor him.

It wasn't Jae's fault to doubt him after what he did but there's also the extent of how far Han can go without destroying himself slowly from inside. All the doubts would eat him alive. Wiping the tears with his sleeve, he couldn't face Jae directly and so he had his focus fixated elsewhere instead. “You don't know that, Jae. I want to be the best around you, I wanted to be your best man, the one you can always flaunt around proudly, and so long as I have that side of me, that'll never come to real life.” Naturally, for someone as meticulous and a perfectionist such as Han, it's not surprising to see him wanting to fulfill every aspect. “I lost you, Jae. I know you're still here, aiding me when I'm a sad drunk but to me, I lost you that day. If I didn't lost all of you, I certainly lost a part of you and that pains me. I never knew what it felt like to be loved and to love, when I met you, I was able to learn about it. Every moment was euphoric. Imagine all of that being taken away one day, what's left of me? An empty shell of a person? A sad excuse for a celestial?” God, he felt so pathetic.

You had me, his heart truly wrenched at the mention of it. “I did… I had you and then I lost you. All because of me.” The look of shame marring his boyish features made it more pitiful to look at. Oh, he felt so torn. “I lost you, and now I'm back to square one. Back to that empty place...back to being alone. I should've been accustomed to this feeling but even the numbness couldn't fade it away” Jae was his anchor and without his presence and company, the fallen star felt empty and deprived over everything. He's exhausted, he's miserable. “What's the use of passion if you can feel it dim? What's the use of treating others when you can't even treat your own self? I'm not even a dog, but I hoped to at least be able to mend myself and get back up on my two feet when I was down.” Expectations always burdened him, and it hasn't changed. The way his voice would stretch our rawly, oh someone just come and hug him already. Hanseol was so close to breaking down right there and now if it wasn't due to the fact that he didn't have the right to do that. Not in front of Jae, at least.

The kiss, he didn't expect it would happen. All he knew was that he kept eyeing his soft lips since earlier and had been wanting to press his own against it, and for a moment after being triggered by the endearment term the dhampir flipped out, all of the thoughts on being respectful went out the window and here he was, kissing his ex-boyfriend without any care in the world. It was wrong, but fucking hell, does it feel right. The soft whimper elicited by Jae made him whimper in response, feeling the tenderness of the dhampir's lips over his own chapped ones. It felt so soft, he could get lost in it forever. When Jae returned the kiss, his senses were awakened and he was so tempted to pull the dhampir into the tub with him, up until the kiss was broken by the same person who kissed him back earlier. Of course, he wouldn't have done that. You're drunk, you're no longer together, Han, there's no reason for him to kiss you, he reminded himself and as he gawked at how the dhampir left the bathroom as fast as his feet could take him, Han curled up, pressing his knees to his chest as he cried.

What a foolish move, perhaps it was sweet and meaningful, it was a very good kiss, both parties wanted it. That was until the other understood the reality they're both facing and left him. For what he feels to be the longest time, Hanseol got up from the tub and wrapped a towel around his waist before staring at his own reflection in the mirror. Wiping the steam off the mirror with his right hand, he closed his eyes briefly before exiting the bathroom. So his ears weren't deceiving him earlier. There were actual cries of sorrow outside, in his room. Jae was holding on to Yeontan, sobbing into his fluffy fur and that made Han bit his bottom lip. No, he didn't want to make him cry. He didn't intend to! So he made his way towards the dhampir and kneeled down to his eye level and his eyes softened. “Jae… please don't cry.”

DhampirPermalink Reply by ✓ Jaesung Moon on May 11, 2019 at 23:52

Jae had never seen Hanseol drunk before so he had no idea how he was when he had alcohol in his system, that’s why he was being so hesitant and skeptical, he didn’t know if all these truths the celestial was spouting were things he actually wanted to say and for the dhampir to know or if the liquor in him was making him act this way. He hated seeing him like this, so out of control and sad. He had seen the brokenness in Han’s eyes and he knew he missed him just as much as Jae did. He knew he was in just as much pain as the half-valkyr. It made him sadder that it was his birthday of all days that he chose to do this. Han said it was because he was convinced it was the only way he could get a decent sleep tonight. In the end, it had been the reason that brought the two of them to meet again. If it wasn’t for that damn drunken call, Jae probably would have been able to stay away. Was it a blessing or a curse? Jae didn’t know.

But hearing Han say things like he made big mistakes and that he regretted his actions, those things tugged at Jae’s heartstrings and made him believe for just a few seconds that things might be different, that there really could be a way this pans out where the two of them don’t end up going that separate ways. Jae didn’t want to give up on him, the idea of leaving the celestial as part of his past hurt so badly he wanted to scream and cry. Han talked about false hopes a lot but that’s exactly what Jae felt like he was being fed right now too, he had no idea if this was the real way Han would feel when the liquid confidence was gone “Yeah well maybe you should try opening your eyes Han, because despite everything I came running for you tonight” he stared at him for a moment, there was no excusing the fact he did, it spoke for itself, the lengths he would go to protect the star. Jae didn’t even know how to ever turn his back on him, his emotions overpowered his mind when it came to situations like this “No one else in the world is ever gonna love you like I do” he spoke softly as his eyes dropped to his own lap.

He understood Han’s frustrations because he felt them too, he wanted so badly to be able to tell him there was hope and that things could be repaired because he knew that was what Han wanted to hear. Jae knew him, the moment he had hope he would latch onto it with every breath he had and he would follow it through despite everything he was feeling. He winced realizing how much his ‘I don’t know’ answer had hurt him to hear. The truth was he didn’t know what to say, he knew that was selfish, trying to keep him dangling on a rope while he made his mind up about them but...how could he give him hope based on truths he’d learned when he was drunk. Yes, with what he knew now, he did believe that things might be different, now he knew what Han was so afraid to share with him and it didn’t scare him off. Maybe they could work this out, maybe this didn’t have to be the end of them. God knows Jae wanted that to be reality. He hadn’t walked into the break up wanting it to be that, he had tried to resolve their conflict but Han hadn’t been ready to try back then “I could never tell you to do that, it’s selfish, but I want to fix things” he admitted in a soft tone.

“I want hope too, but you have to understand that there’s no way for me to know if you’re going to want to share any of this with me when those walls are reinstated and you have a conscious choice about what you share” his gaze was about as honest and truthful as a gaze could get. “With everything you told me tonight, maybe you’ve given me hope for a better future, there’s no one who wants this to work more than me Han I was…” he choked over his words for a moment “I was ready to give it all up for you, I had the letter and everything” he knew that wouldn’t make much sense to the celestial, especially while drunk, but it was a massive step for Jae and it had taken the entire time they were in a relationship for him to build his confidence “I had the call set up with my parents that night, I was going to tell them everything” he wiped furiously at his eyes “And then you took the entire foundation of what I was standing on from me” and despite that he still found himself wanting to rebuild it. He just wanted to be sure it would be stronger this time, unable to crumble.

“You are the best side of yourself Han” he insisted with a shake of his head “Every day you are the best side of yourself just by loving me” he insisted with a stern look “Sure not every day would be perfect and some days your best isn’t exactly where you want it to be but it’s your best, that’s all I could ever ask you to be.” it frustrated Jae that Han would tell him he didn’t know things, Jae knew them, he knew them with every fiber of his being, beyond doubt. He couldn’t explain how he did, he just did. He supposed that came from loving someone, you accepted them fully, on their best and their worst days. You were there for them in their highs, celebrating with them and cheering them on and you were there with them in their lows, comforting them through the pain, telling them they did the right thing, pulling them back from the edge if you had to. Han wasn’t wrong though, by lying to him and forcing him away, he had lost a part of the dhampir but he never lost all of him, that was evidenced by the fact he was here at all. The way Han talked about losing him made the dhampir sniff as another tear rolled down his cheek “Then stop pushing him away, stop telling me what I can’t handle, stop telling me what I do or don’t want and trust me, put your trust in me, give me your everything” they’d had this talk before and yet Jae couldn’t stop himself from asking for it again. Even though any promises Han made tonight might be null and void in the morning.

He hated the way Han always fell into pity instead of fighting, Jae was a fighter, when he saw something he wanted he fought for it endlessly. He also knew he was to blame for this though, he was the one who ignored his calls, who didn’t respond to his text messages, who didn’t let him into the apartment when he knew he was there. Jae wasn’t able to bring himself past the pain then but now things felt different. Kissing him, it felt the same way it always had, so familiar and warm, their lips melting into one another and their feelings feeling like they were floating in the air around them. Despite the fact Han’s lips were chapped and raw, they still spread a warmth through his body that could only be brought to him by kissing Hanseol Park. He could have continued that kiss forever and it would have taken away all of the negative thoughts he had. When they kissed it was just him and Hanseol, everything else complicated just melted away. The problem was that a kiss couldn’t last forever and Jae knew this wasn’t right. The whimpers they exchanged spoke so much about how they needed one another but Jae couldn’t take it. He couldn’t stop the rush of guilt and confusion that came over him the moment the two of them parted.

He knew he had to get out of there so he raised to his feet, dashing out before he could make any more stupid decisions tonight. He knew he came across as desperate, maybe he was, he lost the thing that mattered to him most and he wanted nothing more than to have it back. It wasn’t just the man he loved, it was the life they had together, the life he pictured the two of them having in his mind. It was the little puppy he’d met the first night he came here that had he’d fallen in love with too. The one who was now laying in his arms and whimpering softly as Jae cried into his fur. He missed this so badly, he missed everything he’d become familiar with. He hadn’t realized how loudly and hard he was sobbing until he was snapped out of it by Han speaking.

It wasn’t rational, most would call it foolish but he couldn’t stop himself as he threw himself forward and wrapped his arms around Han’s neck, his head burying into his shoulder which smelled of that familiar bath soap he associated with the celestial. The tears didn’t stop as sobs wracked through his body, Jae was shaking and holding onto Han for dear life. All he wanted was to be close to him forever, to just feel better in his arms for a little while. It was selfish and it was probably going feel like a mistake in the morning, but he needed this, he needed to break down a little with the person who mattered most to him, he needed to process this pain head on “I miss you more than you’ll ever know” he managed to get out between choked breaths as exhaustion began to take him over and the darkness started to loom over him. What a night it had been for him. But everything felt right here in Han’s arms. So wrong but so right.

CelestialPermalink Reply by ✓ Hanseol Park on May 13, 2019 at 14:01

Never once had he went anywhere near any beverage that would cause his head to take a whole whirlwind down, except cough syrup that does make his head fuzzy funnily or the unhealthy amount of coffee the celestial consumed because he needed the extra energy to do his work and energy drinks weren’t cutting out anymore. Sleeping pills also got categorized in that as well, the one that makes his head go all fuzzy whenever he consumed them but if it was what kept his horrible nightmares at bay every night, then is there anything for the fallen star to complain about? So long as it works, then it shouldn’t pose a problem for him. It’s not the only thing that’s unhealthy for him anyway, so why bother? It didn’t mean that the celestial liked the way he runs his mouth around when he’s influenced heavily by alcohol, intoxicated by every drop of whiskey he downed at the bar earlier tonight, with his half-lidded eyes that could make out a slightly hazy vision of Jae in front of him.

Had it been right of him to speed dial the dhampir to come to save him from this path of destruction that he’s been slowly paving since 3 weeks ago? Of course, Hanseol was more than delighted to witness the dhampir again after being deprived of having a visual stake at the now dark-haired half-valkyr, but did Jae feel the same about him? Was he happy to see him? It’s hard to read him at any normal day, and it sure as well wouldn’t get him to budge when Han is drunk like hell. As much as he didn’t want to burden Jae with such things the dhampir didn’t need, he’s been extremely desperate to hold him again, no he would do well with just a look from his peripheral, that’s all. If he would leave him forever after tonight, then so be it. But did he really want Jae to leave him like this? When he’s sure tomorrow morning, he’s only going to wake up with a killer hangover and his head pounding from every movement, where his groggy state wouldn’t help him then. And of course, the highlight of it all, remembrance.

Would Han remember any of what he did tonight? Leaving Han unknowingly, that’s cruel, and he hoped that Jae would be considerate enough to spare him that heartache, by the very least even though the half-valkyr didn’t owe a single thing towards the star. This was his call, after all. For all the dhampir knew, he had no part nor involvement in any of this. He could leave him there and Han wouldn’t notice, yet he still chose to stay by his side. “I know you did, it makes me feel like you never left me, at all, to begin with, which sounded really cliche, but I happen to like cliches anyway” he chuckled softly, he had that knowing tender look on his slightly worn out face. Despite the exhaustion marring his entire face, the boyish refined features saved Hanseol and even then, the smile managed to lit up a quarter of whatever happiness or hope he still retained inside of him. Paired with those doe eyes, Hanseol looked exceptionally broken but still somewhat presentable which honestly makes everything a lot sadder and tragic because Jae could quite literally read what Han was going through. It was all written on his face. It’s there. It’s all there.

Poor celestial looked utterly broken and his only remedy remains Jaesung Moon, and no one else. “You’re right, nobody is ever going to love me the way you did, and nobody is going to love you the way I do.” Hanseol was incessant in making it known to Jae that he still loves him and that will never change about him. Perhaps he would be going through some major changes someday, but loving Jae would never be one of those. It’s going to stay embedded in his mangled heart forever. Ironically, the one that gave him hope also gave him despair, how beautifully tragic is that? It made the star feel like everything was a joke again, once more, he’s been played by the world. Destiny? Fate? What is that? Just mind games by the cruel hands of nature.

Upon hearing that the dhampir wanted to fix things and make amends, the star turned to face him as fast as he could, probably resulting in a whiplash had he not been extra careful. “I would do anything to make it right again, Jae. Give me a chance, just give me another one, I won’t screw it up, I promise,” letting out a heaved sigh, the celestial met the dhampir’s dark hues with a semi-tired look. “And if I did, then that’s it for me. You can... “ he couldn’t find it in himself to finish those words, no. He can’t do that. The mere thought of Jae leaving him forever would haunt him forever, eventually warranting his death one day, and he’ll leave it in the past roads. A letter? Jae had a letter for him? “What letter?” he asked, his tone turning down a lower notch. The fact that now he knew that particular day where all hell broke loose was supposed to be an important only made it all worse. Jae was going to move in with him? That’s one thing. But him ready to risk it all by revealing every single detail to his parents? That’s another. How had he taken him for granted all this time? How had he forgotten the repercussions that would follow suit? Oh, he truly is an idiot.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know... “ he murmured silently, how had he been so blind despite all the clues and hints left for him? Sometimes, Hanseol’s obliviousness could take a turn. Jae was everything he wanted in a partner, he’s loving, he’s generous, humble, chivalrous, kind, humorous, and above everything else, he’s understanding. Regardless of the parried attacks, Han sent his way in the form of words, painful edges of words, he managed to stand his ground either way and tried his best to worm inside his walls, once again. How can he deny him when he too, knew, just how much he’s missed him? The fallen star wanted to wipe away those tears so bad, no, not just that, he wanted to kiss it away, but due to their untimely circumstances, his feet are glued to the ground. “I realized… that a relationship won’t work the way I envisioned it to be. Perhaps, it’s the lack of knowledge I have regarding the very matter, or maybe it’s the opposite. I don’t know… but what I do know is, I want to restart all of that. I want to win your graces back, the same way you had won my heart the day you tripped on me at that park.” He wasn’t kidding, he really did want to start over.

He didn’t want to imagine a life of his that had a void within. A space that could never be filled by just anyone, or anyone else, for that matter. It’s a spot specially reserved for one particular dhampir. When Han kissed Jae, all those memories flooded back inside of him. From one figment to another, he could recall every single detail. Even those painful days when Han would knock on his apartment’s door from dawn till dusk, waiting for the response he craved the most but went home when the rain took him. At the end of the day, the celestial contracted the flu that lasted for 3 days after he insisted on staying out in the cold rain because he wished to see Jae. Or all those missed calls, unheard voicemails, and unread text messages. The elation he felt lurching in his heart the moment Jae kissed back was indescribable. He was happy to the roof but also knew it was too good to be true because the next thing he knew, Jae pulled away, apologized promptly and dashed out from the bathroom, leaving the vessel of the person that Hanseol is, alone. Once again.

When he came out from his bath, with only a towel wrapped around his waist and his dark locks still dampened from the water, he didn’t expect to find Jae curled up with none other than Yeontan. Though, he couldn’t say he was surprised to see him sobbing into the Pomeranian’s fur. Jae and Yeontan have always had a very strong bond with each other. The two understood one another like no other and sometimes, it even made him jealous. But boy was he weak when he witnessed a crying mess, Jae. Crouching in front of him, he was initially going to comfort him the mildest way he knew of because he didn’t want to cross his boundaries again, not after the stunt he pulled just a few minutes ago. So when Jae threw himself on the star, hands wrapped around him, encasing the celestial the same way he always does whenever Han was upset and needed comfort, the dark-haired star reciprocate the gesture. He felt warm regardless of the wet tears staining his bare body.

Patting his shoulder as he hummed softly into Jae’s locks, he muttered comforting words, assuring him in every way that it’s going to be fine, how they’re going to be fine. “I miss you too, baby. So much.” It’s been a long night for both of them and after the warm bath he received, even Hanseol was feeling sleepy. But instead of carrying Jae to their comfortable bed, he allowed the puppy to curl up to the dhampir while he rested his hands on him gently, making sure to drag the blanket from the edge of his bed down to cover both their bodies with it. He’s way too tired to actually function properly to get dressed and this felt comfortable. Anywhere with Jae feels nice and perfect, just right. "I'll be here with you. Maybe I won't remember this tomorrow but I hoped you will." With both arms wrapped around the half-valkyr as if he was the big spoon, Han laid Jae’s head against his chest before the sleep engulfs him too.

DhampirPermalink Reply by ✓ Jaesung Moon on May 13, 2019 at 23:15

Jae didn’t remember much more than giving in to the comfort of the celestial’s touch, his arms wrapped around him and the dhampir breathing shallowly against the star’s chest, he felt like he was finally back where he belonged and for the first time in so many nights of tossing and turning, he actually felt like he could truly rest. He heard Hanseol’s words of assurances and the tears slowly but surely dried up as he turned to quiet hiccups against his bare chest. The way Han spoke about hoping Jae would remember this, it gave him hope that maybe in the morning they would be able to talk this out. That maybe coming here tonight wouldn’t feel like the biggest fuck up of all he’d made in the last two weeks. Who knew, maybe they could figure this out. The Hanseol he saw tonight, the one who was so willing to give the full and complete truth, he might be able to believe in that guy.

Sleep took over him before long, the three of them cuddled up close on the floor, Jae’s breathing steady as he heard the celestial’s heartbeat in his ear. It was familiar and it was warm and nostalgic, they had slept like this so many times. Whenever the two of them ended up asleep together, it didn’t matter if they were in a massive bed or his tiny one at the dorm, they would end up entangled in one another’s embrace, pressed up to be as close to one another as humanly possible. Their arms and legs would be curled around each other, head rested against one another’s chest. One time they had even managed to fall asleep nose to nose. There was nothing more peaceful to Jae than sleeping in Hanseol’s embrace.

And for the first time in three weeks, Jae didn’t have flashbacks of that day back in the alley, he didn’t have to relive every harsh word that Han had said to him, he didn’t have to feel the headache of himself crying as he pleaded for the star to give him something he could believe in. Instead, it was a memory of one of their dates they had together, one of the times that the rain hadn’t actually done a number on their date. They had walked up to one of the national parks at the edge of the city, right by the base of the mountains, it was always beautiful there, enhanced by the earth and water Initia who took really good care of the place and made sure it was always blooming with beautiful flowers. The dogs had been so excited to see somewhere new, especially Byul who was a very curious and adventurous type.

It was probably one of their simplest dates but he reveled in the memory of the two dogs swimming in the nearby lake while the two of them made out on a picnic blanket after eating all the treats Han had prepared for them. Normally the two of them were quite private with their affection for one another but the place was so vast and densely surrounded in plants and flowers that it really felt like they were the only two people for miles. Jae remembered the soft feeling of Hanseol’s lips against his as they kissed, the parting of his lips only to take short breaths before they were right back where they belonged. Jae could have kissed him like that for hours on end and never gotten bored but it was the look in his eyes that really got to him, that soft, beautiful adoring look that Hanseol reserved just for him and made the dhampir melt into a puddle. Jae had whispered I love you against the celestial’s lips and Han had smiled into it before returning those words right back to him. Just as they were about to get lost in one another again, Byul had come along and shaken her wet fur all over the two of them completely soaking them and they had fallen into fits of laughter.

They had been so happy, Hanseol made him feel so happy and free. All he wanted was to feel those lips against his, get so lost in his kiss that nothing else mattered, just like that day, to giggle like smitten teens as they looked back into one another’s gazes and dreamed about their future together. Theirs. The two of them against the entire world. It was all he ever wanted, a relationship that he felt secure and blissfully happy in. One that made him feel on top of the world even on his worst day, much like Hanseol did. Han had been there for him in everything, when he got a bad grade or was worried about his mother, when he just wanted to vent about a particularly strict professor. Han had become his person, the one he wanted to turn to whenever he felt down. He wanted to be Han’s person in return.

Jae awoke as the sunlight crossed his vision, causing him to lift a hand to block out the bright light and he grumbled softly. At some point Han had tipped over to the side, his face resting against the blanket on the floor. He was out like a stone, probably thanks to all the alcohol he drank. It took a few moments for the dhampir’s memory to adjust and for him to remember where he was right now and what happened last night, especially when the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was his ex-boyfriend laying half naked next to him. It was so easy to feel like he’d been transported right back to three weeks ago, before everything fell apart between them.

He shifted his weight a little only to stir the little pup who had slept the night soundly in his lap, Yeontan gave him a sleepy lick against his hand which made the dhampir laugh softly. Damn this was so complicated, he thought to himself as he shuffled away from the star, untangling himself from his told and just watching him as he slept for a little. Jae wasn’t going to try to move him, the star had said how much he needed sleep and while it was on the floor, it seemed better than no sleep at all or those nightmares which plagued him constantly. He knew he couldn’t keep dodging him after last night, he had to hear the celestial out for his own sanity, he wasn’t sure how he would sleep with a sound mind, knowing what he did about how the star truly felt now.

He wanted so badly to hear him say it all sober, that really would give Jae the hope which Han had begged him to give him. It also meant the dhampir would find it very hard to walk away again. He was so weak for the star. Even after all the pain he’d been through because of him, he still found himself searching for the better from him. Yesterday morning he thought he was moving on, today he found himself back at square one but filled with a different kind of resolve, wondering if the two of them could fix things. Whether they could rebuild what they broke stronger, whether Hanseol wanted to.

Well, the truth was he wasn’t getting an answer to that question any time soon, nor did he want to wake Han in the name of getting it, especially because he knew how bad of a hangover Han was going to have the moment he woke up. He pulled away, leaving the blanket over the other male and headed out of the door, crept down the stairs into the kitchen. Jae pressed a hand against his temple and sighed, speaking of headaches, crying yourself to sleep was a killer. He rummaged through the cupboard until he found a package of Paracetamol and took one with a glass of water. He decided to leave it out because he knew how much Han was going to need it when he woke up.

Jae wasn’t really sure if he should stay or go, he wanted to talk things through now, he wanted to hear Han out, but he also didn’t wanna pressure the other male right after he was going to wake up with his first hangover and quite possibly not remember a single thing he said or did last night. The other part knew Han would check his phone and know Jae was the one who brought him home though and probably feel saddened by the fact he left. He felt conflicted, pacing the kitchen a little but lost in his thoughts he didn’t realize how close he’d come to the rack of saucepans until he knocked it over and in a spectacularly loud fashion they clattered all over the kitchen floor. “Fuck” he cursed as he pushed the tower back up to its rightful place and started placing them back on the rack.

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